Former Sons of Anarchy star Winter Ave Zoli revealed she and her husband, Csaba Lucas, recently suffered a pregnancy loss.
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In a post on her Substack, the actress opened up about her and Lucas finding out they were expecting in September. “It was something in the back of our minds for a long time,” she explained. “Whether to have a fourth child together; my husband’s sixth.”
Zoli, who played Lyla Winston in SoA, shared that she was somewhat hesitant about the pregnancy, noting she felt “a little daunted” by the idea of another baby at this point in her life.
“But like the saying goes, you will never regret having a child, but you regret not trying,” she pointed out.
Zoli then stated that pregnancy loss was the “most difficult thing” she’s ever written about because it is a sensitive topic for many people.
“Because so many have been through this very situation, because everyone handles it differently,” she continued. “Some with absolute silence, and some open and ready to share, seeking to connect with others who have overcome similar bearings. For some it is a badge of life, sewn onto the soul, like the badges earned in Girl Scouts that are sewn onto sash’s, a recognition of what we have learned in life.”
Zoli also pointed out that, for some, the experience is an event to “bury and leave behind,” with the need to move forward and find consolation in private.
Winter Ave Zoli Calls Being a Mother “Truly Something Of Honor”
Continuing to open up about her miscarriage, Winter Ave Zoli spoke about how much she loves being a mother.
“Being a mother is truly something of honor, I believe. To be the person that teaches and yet knows when to relinquish,” she shared. “Allowing a new little being to learn and develop into who they are. To help them, for as long as you can, to become their unique, capable selves, strong and independent, kind and empathetic, ready to take on the world without holding your hand.”
Before the miscarriage, Zoli noted she had heard stories from other women and mothers about suffering pregnancy loss. “The pain and the struggle, the frustration and the shame that can come with it,” she wrote. “Feeling as though the body is betraying the soul.”
She admitted she never thought a miscarriage could happen to her after the birth of her three healthy children. However, she was aware that something was wrong in her latest pregnancy at the end of October.
“If I’m honest with myself, I knew before the visible signs were there,” Zoli wrote. “I would wake up in the morning and not feel anything. I felt empty. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know that you are always ‘feeling’ something.”
After dismissing the feeling as an “easy pregnancy,” Zoli recalled ignoring the physical signs as well. Eventually, she reached out to her doctor. However, things escalated, and eventually she miscarried.
Days later, she and her husband decided they wanted to be “gatekeepers to suffering.”
“We wanted to talk about it, wipe the tears away, and move on,” Zoli noted. “And we’ve done that a lot. But we also know how fortunate we are. We have three healthy children, and two big boys, to love and hold, and we couldn’t ask for anything more.”
She then added that the experience has made her feel different.