This one’s a doozy, guys. I’ve never seen a Reddit thread “locked because of excessive rule-breaking” but I guess there’s a first time for everything. It’s currently locked because people really felt the need to give the poster advice, and apparently, that’s against the rules. But, who could blame the commenters? There were so many red flags in her post, you’d think you were watching a sports-ball game. (I’m obviously really into sports analogies.)
In short, a woman and her husband are expecting their first child. They’ve been married for three years and have been together for five and they’re both in their late twenties. He works full time and although she used to work, her job wasn’t paying her enough and now she’s a full-time student.
They felt like they were ready to start a family and three weeks ago got a positive pregnancy test. What originally felt like wonderful news quickly turned bitter when the woman’s husband went on an unprovoked rant that included the quote, “You are still expected to cook, clean, and do all the chores every day because how can you be expected to be a mother if you can’t handle a little work.” Gross. And, it gets worse, guys, so buckle up.
The woman then turned to Reddit and asked if she was in the wrong for getting upset after her husband told her she was basically on her own for the duration of the pregnancy. Redditors’ didn’t hold back on what they thought, and you’ll probably have some opinions too.
The Turning Point
The couple was getting ready for bed one night. Like most couples, they have their “before bed routines” to finish before hopping in bed. Honestly, though, it sounds like only she has chores to do before bed. Her routine includes turning off all the lights in the house, and she stated that these are lights that he leaves on. However, this particular night she wasn’t feeling well (pregnant, remember?). Since she was ill, she asked her husband if he would go through the house and turn off the lights. But to her surprise, his response was a definite, “No.” Followed up with, “This is what is expected of you every night.” And, he just keeps winning husband-of-the-year awards. (First, red flag, for those keeping count!)
She decided to just do it since she “didn’t want to fight with him” but he apparently had other plans. When she returned to the bed he told her that things aren’t going to change just because she’s pregnant. The woman said that he wasn’t yelling, but was “talking to me quietly like I was two inches tall.”
After his lengthy rant, she eventually asked, “What are you going to do to help me with all of this?” And his response was typical toxic patriarchal bullsh*t. He said that he works to provide for her and their future children. And, obviously, that should be enough. He ended his monologue by telling her that her mental and physical health doesn’t matter. That it’s her job as a mother to push through, and that if he “babied” her that she wouldn’t be a “good mother.” (Whew, the freaking nerve of this guy.)
She responded to his sexist, gross, misogynistic rant with a simple, “I wish I would’ve known this is how you felt before I got pregnant with your baby.” And, cue the tears. He started crying and then left to go stay with his mother.
Redditors didn’t hold back in the comment section. Many gave the woman advice on what to do now that her husband had shown his true colors. So many pointed out that things would only get worse, and that these were red flags for more, escalated abuse.
They pointed out that should she choose to continue the pregnancy that he would be a nightmare to co-parent with, among other things. Here are a few comments from Redditors.
One user stated, “Since he openly admits that his only contribution to raising his child will be financial, it seems like [she] won’t be losing anything by leaving–apart from having one less child to look after.”
Another stated, “Jumping on to say that abuse generally is triggered with changes in a relationship… like having a kid. RUN. I’ve seen too many women endure abuse ‘for my family.’ This is not your family this is your abuser.”
And here’s my favorite comment that sums it up nicely. “You asked him to turn off the lights in the house and this was how he responded. How is he going to respond if you, I don’t know, stop making breakfast because the food smells trigger your morning sickness? What if you need to be put on bed rest halfway through your pregnancy? Or if you have PPD after giving birth? I could see him accusing you of faking it to get out of doing chores and giving you hell for it–or, worse, insisting you push through it because ‘it’s your job.’”
“This is 100 percent unacceptable behavior. Do you want your future child to see this and think this is how to treat a partner? Never mind the fact that they will absolutely pick up on his belief that you should be treated as a completely selfless servant who lives to cater to everyone else’s wants and needs, while no one ever attends to yours. Also, the fact that he literally went crying to his mother speaks volumes about his approach to parenting. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Let him stay at his mother’s. Permanently.”
The Family’s Reactions
Both his mother and sister have told the woman that she’s overreacting and that she’s “broken his heart,” because of what she said. They have insisted that she needs to apologize to him. They know what he said to her, and believe that “all he meant was pregnancy isn’t an excuse to be lazy.”
Her mother, on the other hand, is furious with him and doesn’t think the woman should speak to him without a witness. (Yay for mom!) After an edit to the original post, the poster said she is gathering some things together to go stay with her parents. She also said the commenters have “opened her eyes” to certain issues she may have ignored in the past.
After her edit, we are hopeful that she gets as far away from her (crosses fingers) soon-to-be-ex-husband and finishes her degree. We are confident that whatever she decides, as long as she stays away from him, she will be better off.