And so, the sandwich empire has spoken: Subway, long-reigning monarch of the foot-long, has boldly ventured into hot dog territory with a behemoth frank to match its signature subs.
Videos by Suggest
While Americans across the United States are surely salivating at the thought of sinking their teeth into a footlong hot dog from Subway, there is, sadly, a very un-American catch: in the same breath that Subway announced their footlong frankfurter (boldly dubbed the SubDog) they also dropped the bombshell that this glorious creation is exclusively available in… Canada.
Even though it’s America’s 250th birthday, only our cousins to the north get to unwrap this glorious gift. The SubDog is a footlong hot dog built just like a Subway sandwich, complete with all the customization options you’d expect from your favorite sub. It’s made with a Schneider’s all-beef hot dog, clocking in at a hefty half a pound.
The promotional pictures tease red-blooded Americans with a Subway roll lovingly cradling a sausage. A beautiful, Canadian-exclusive sausage.
While Americans blow out birthday candles and weep softly into their regular-sized hot dogs, Canadians are out here living the dream.
Subway Canada’s Culinary Manager Boasts About Their Hot Dog, Knowing Americans Mourn
John Botelho, Subway Canada’s culinary manager, further twisted the knife into the rotund bellies of Americans everywhere in a statement.
“People have been debating this for years, but at Subway, we know sandwiches,” Botelho explained, knowing the damage he was doing to the American psyche. “With the SubDog, we’re not just joining the conversation; we’re settling it. This is a classic summer favourite, reimagined the Subway way.”
As if rubbing salt in the wound wasn’t enough, the press release proudly declares that the SubDog is launching “just in time for peak hot dog season.” A season Americans will now be forced to endure without their greatest potential joy.
To add insult to injury, Subway has partnered with the Toronto Blue Jays. This means Canadians get to enjoy this magnificent creation while cheering on their beloved baseball team. Great. Americans, meanwhile, can only watch from across the border. Their sad, plump faces pressed against the glass, clutching their inferior hot dogs in quiet despair.
The SubDog is available now through August 31 at Subway restaurants across Canada… a country that has, apparently, won. Americans, left to suffer through another hot dog season with nothing but their flag-printed paper plates and shattered dreams, can only hope for a miracle.
All eyes now turn to President Donald Trump, a man who has never met a fast food he didn’t love. On America’s 250th birthday, will he rise to the occasion and bring the SubDog home?
The fate of a people hangs in the balance.