There are few things more maddening than someone taking your parking spot. For these folks, their parking spot thieves pushed them to the point of snapping. Here are the hysterical ways people got revenge on entitled parkers. Content has been edited for clarity.
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“Have A Nice Day!”
“On a very hot Saturday morning, my neighbor from over the road came to ask me if I had a visitor in a blue 5-series BMW that had parked in front of his garage door blocking him in. I told him no. He was a dentist and had to get to his practice to urgently treat a kid from a rugby injury, so I let him use my car. After he left, I asked the rest of the neighbors in our little street if it was their visitor’s car. Nope again.
Shortly thereafter, a jogger returns from his run and unlocks the BMW with his remote. I asked him why he parked where he did. He looked at me like I was stupid and said ‘Its in the shade!’ to which I replied, ‘That is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. ’So he starts getting mouthy with me so I tell him that my girlfriend has said I’m not allowed to fight anymore but I would be more than willing to beat the shit out of him unless he leaves pronto.
No joke, exactly two weeks later, I open my garage door to go shopping and I’m parked in by exactly the same blue 5-series BMW. So I call the dentist’s neighbor who suggests we deflate all 4 tires. ‘Bad idea,’ I said, ‘His car will be there all day long then!’ I started thinking about what I could do instead to get back at the prick.
I went for a pee in the pool room toilet and what do I find? A nice two-day-old, stinky, hot sloppy ploppy floater, left by the gardener. Perfect. I get the egg lifter, smear a nice 1mm serving under each BMW door handle (the kind you use four fingers to pull up), open a beer, and then waited. The dim wit jogger returns nice and sweaty. He opens the door, gets in, closes the door, starts the car, slides his fingers through his sweaty hair and drives off. ‘Have a nice day!’ I thought.”
“I’ll Be Right Out”
“One night I came out of the club only to find a brand new Celica double parked behind me. I went back inside to inform the bartender and he knew the car. It was the assistant manager who for some reason had decided to stop by at 1 a.m. He paged her and she came over, holding her beer, and said she would be right out, so I went out and waited.
After 10 minutes, she still hadn’t come out, so I went back inside and complained. The bartender paged her again and she said she would be right out. I waited. After 5 minutes, I was fed up with the woman. I noticed her sunroof was cracked open and decided to use that to get back at her.
I lit a cigarette, took a few hits, then dropped it through the cracked open sunroof onto a beautiful leather seat. Each minute that passed, I dropped another lit cigarette through the roof onto the seats. Do you know what a lit cigarette does to tan leather seats? It’s ugly and impossible to repair.
There were at least 15 cigs in there before she finally came out and moved the car. Since it was so dark out and she had had a few drinks, I don’t think she noticed. I wish I could have seen her reaction the next morning.”
Spring Has Sprung
“I worked in a small country town on the outskirts. At the place I worked, we had assigned parking. My coworker was too lazy to park in her space, so she took mine every day. Mind you, I didn’t mind walking, but it was the principle. If she would have asked, I would have traded. She refused to stop after I had asked her numerous times, so I hatched a plan.
She was terrified of spiders. Her fear was to the point where she left work a few times when she saw them inside. We were approaching spring so in casual conversation, I told her I couldn’t wait to see the spiders, bugs, and other assorted wildlife showing back up again. I loved all of that stuff and was truly excited. I went on and on for days.
Next, I told her there was a spider nest really close to the building and I loved seeing the spiders on my car. I then proceeded to make some tiny ‘spiders’ from yarn and placed some on her car. When she went to leave, I heard an ear-piercing shriek. She ran in and grabbed me, screaming that spiders were all over her car.
If you got close, you could tell they were little bits of yarn, but no way would she get close enough. I told her I’d remove the ‘spiders,’ which I did. I told her she was good to go, but some may have gotten inside. She literally had her husband come get her car and drove his from then on. Oh, she never parked in my space again.
Moral: Sometimes being nice doesn’t work, and you have to resort to other means.”
Sharon Vs Honda Civic
“My long-time childhood friend Sharon and I decided to go to the mall one day. We arrived at the local mall and after looking for a parking spot for five minutes, we found a one-second row from the mall buildings. We were waiting in queue patiently to pull into a parking spot while the current occupant was starting to back out.
Sharon backed up even further to allow the car a wide-enough berth to back up toward us to get out of the parking spot. As soon as the car cleared the parking spot, zoom, a red little Honda Civic with two guys inside swooped into the empty parking spot. We were still stuck behind the car pulling out. My friend Sharon, who is normally chill and immune to most idiocy, screamed at the top of her lungs at the guys in the car.
Sharon is usually very ladylike and professional, but I guess we all have our breaking points. Sharon yelled out to the guys, ‘That was my parking spot!’ Apparently, they did not care and as they walked away, they both flipped her the middle finger. We had to drive around for another five minutes until we found a different one about fifteen rows out.
We got out of her car; and, instead of walking on the open lanes to get to the mall buildings directly, Sharon began walking parallel to through the rows of vehicles. All the while, she was cursing the red Honda’s existence. We were finally standing right next to the parking spot thief’s red Honda. What she did next was so surprising and un-Sharon-like.
It sounded like she was choking at first but then I realized she was clearing her throat. Then she tilted her head back and then hard forward and spat-lunged a giant loogie onto the windshield of the red Honda. The gross mucus ball landed just above the center of the driver’s-side windshield and it began to bake onto the hot glass in the summer heat. Once anyone got behind that driver’s seat wheel, there was no way you wouldn’t notice the gross snot splat.”