Have these weirdos ever heard of the words 'glamorous' or 'elegant'? Apparently not, because these weddings are complete dumpster fires. Like good lord, how do these people function in everyday life? Enjoy reading these stories and knowing you won't have to participate in something so awful (hopefully). Content has been edited for clarity.
"My wedding-if one may call it that-was an extremely small and quick affair under an overpass by a fetid body of water, consisting of my overemotional and violently excited mother, my ex-husband in his dress uniform, and me in a leather jacket trying to reason with the two of them that this is all rather sudden and we're under an overpass, for God's sake. Disclaimer: the ex was the mastermind behind all this. We'd been together some years and occasionally discussed marriage. I wasn't in a rush, apparently he was. Ah, youth. He'd flown my mother down as a surprise, hired a local nondenominational minister, and picked under the overpass for the charming view of the open water beside it. Nothing good or green lived in that water. It smelled and was stagnant. I remember staring wearily out at it while I listened to cars passing overhead. It was very, very windy. Did I mention it was night? This was less a joyous union and more the beginning of a Law & Order episode. My mother is doing a foxtrot in her joy over our young love. Anyways. I'm an idiot. I go with it. It's bizarre, but I've a strong tolerance for the bizarre, and I feel bad money was spent and mother was flown and whatnot. In retrospect, I should have cast myself into the water before me and cried out for Cthulu to take me into His sweet embrace, but hindsight is always 20/20. I digress.
Here comes the minister! He's late. I can see he is also wondering why we're all under an overpass in the dark. He comes closer. I get a good glimpse of his face. He is cross-eyed. Now, cross-eyed happens, and I mean no disrespect to the cross-eyed. But merciful Christ. I am under an overpass, next to a swamp, mother dancing, ex oblivious to why I seem disturbed, it is night, trucks downshift above me, and now here is the minister looking at all of us at once with ease and if I laugh, I'm never going to stop, I will shame this poor man, my idiot ex, my mother, save me Jesus, don't let me laugh.
I keep it together. I do not laugh. And then the minister begins to speak. He is addressing my ex whilst simultaneously looking at both me and the water. He wants his money upfront. That's what the Craigslist ad specified. I proceed to inhale my own face to keep from dying. My mother, God love her, cheerfully volunteers a twenty from her wallet. My ex is muttering and paying the minister. In the back of my mind, I wonder if this man is legally able to marry us (sadly, he was). Minister paid, the 'ceremony' begins! It's quickly apparent he doesn't know my name, despite introducing myself while trying to not make eye contact. He calls me Georgie. My name is Jennie. I correct him politely. He waves his hand in the air as if swatting off flies. I am Georgie for the rest of the event. Why not. My ex takes my hand. My mother starts noisily weeping. The wind really kicks up while the cars rattle overhead. I am straining to hear the minister over the din. He swiftly spits out his speech with the harried air of a man performing an awful wedding ceremony under an overpass at night who just wants to go back to whatever Craigslist ministers do when not on duty.
It is time for my vows. I actually laugh briefly at this point, but by now it's panic. What is happening here. Have I lost my mind? I'm getting married under an overpass with an officiant who can't be bothered to learn my name. It's at this moment both myself and the minister forget how the vows actually go. I remember first. I chant with this ring. The minister looks in two directions at once and chants in reply with this ring. All of this is confusing. I shove the ring on my ex's hand and blurt out the rest furiously. At least what I know from watching wedding movies. I'm not about to do a call-and-response with the minister who doesn't know my name. It's done. We're permitted to kiss. The world's briefest kiss occurs. My mother is good enough to take pictures. In the dark with the flash on, the minister looks like absolute nightmare fuel. The flash is what does me in. It breaks me from whatever stupor I've been in for the last half hour. I begin to laugh.
This is not the gentle, sweet laughter of a new bride swept up in the rapture of love. This is the deranged howling of a madwoman bereft of her medication. This is senseless, evil cackling in the night. It fills the space under the overpass. It drowns out the cars and the wind. It does not stop. I try, I really do, to gather myself. It doesn't work. I'm too far gone. My mother doesn't look so excited anymore. And the minister pulls his eyes together long enough to give my ex a look of deep and heartfelt pity.
We head to the minister's car and sign the paperwork on its hood. I'm still laughing. Nobody is saying anything. It is uncomfortable. I look (and feel) like a lunatic. I'm laughing out of context. This is already much longer than I'd anticipated it being, and this is probably going to get buried anyways, so I'm going to wrap it up: minister gets in his car and leaves, I laugh, we climb into our own car and head to a chain restaurant, I laugh, we eat, I laugh, we end up at home, I laugh, mother goes to bed, I laugh, ex tries to get frisky, I laugh. You get the picture. Found out later he had a drinking problem and liked to paw up other women whilst wasted. He doesn't see an issue with it. Divorce ensues. Takes a while, but eventually I laugh at that too. Life is weird, but funny."
"The bride and groom had match back tattoos of the Monster Energy Drink logo. Okay, so for some context: my brother managed a gas station for about ten years and hired the soon-to-be bride. A little while into her employment, she requested time off for her wedding. The date was still a couple of months out, so no big deal. About a week before her request, she came into work and the exchange goes like this:
Bride: 'Wanna see my new tattoo?'
Brother: 'Uh, sure.'
She lifts the back of her shirt to reveal a massive green 'M' covering the entire upper half of her back.
Brother: 'Okay, um, wow.'
Bride: 'Awesome, huh? We both got the same tattoo! I know what you're thinking. Copyright, right? But what are they going to do? This is already on my body! It's ALREADY ON MY BODY! Haha!'
Brother: 'Right. That was what I was thinking.'
It was a camouflage themed wedding. She had an open-back camouflage gown with camo heels, complete with a camo veil. The groom had on camo pants, along with camo boots and a camo bow tie. He was indeed shirtless. He did also sport a camo ball cap though. They were both walking down the aisle, backs glistening in the sun with Vaseline over huge Monster logos. Just the perfect day. They were happily married for seven months."
"When I was 11, my cousin got married for the third time. I never really liked her because she was 37 when I was 11, so we didn't have a lot in common. Also, she was pretty full of herself. The wedding itself was fine, pretty boring but fine. Then we get to the reception. We were told we had to sit down as soon as we got there. Some people found it weird, but I've only been to one other wedding before this (her other marriages were when I was little, and no kids were allowed at her weddings) so I didn't think anything of it. The Bride and Groom then make a huge dramatic entrance and everyone awkwardly clapped for them as they strutted around the room with actual crowns on their heads. The Bride then gets the microphone and hands it to her mom and asks her to say something she loves about the bride. She then tells her mom to pass it on and says she wants EVERYONE in the room to say one thing they absolutely love about the bride. Not the bride and groom, not their relationship, just the bride herself. It was super awkward.
I said, 'Your eyeshadow is pretty,' because I felt so awkward and wanted to die. My older brother said, 'Pass,' which made her force a fake laugh and urge him to say something. He ignored it and she kept insisting so he said, 'Your parents,' and passed the mic on. She and her third husband divorced a few months later because he was caught cheating with an 18-year old still in high school. He gave off bad vibes to the point where even strangers noticed and wanted kids to stay away from him. She married another guy a few years later and they are still together.
Bonus: she likes to take pictures with a life-sized cutout of Trump and post it on Facebook because she, her mom, and sister believe it looks so REAL (nope) and she even pretends she's been caught cheating on her fourth husband with the cutout. She will be posting pictures of her kissing it or it in her room with a caption like, 'Oops, caught with my side piece,' or some cringe like that. Her daughter (from her second marriage) deleted her from Facebook and often stays with her dad because she can't stand her mom anymore."
"These were friend of friends. She was a young, uber-Christian, small town naive girl. She meets a married, much older man with two kids. They fall in love. He does eventually leave his wife, and he doesn't want any custody. The wedding was in her hometown church. His vows were over the top about how he has never felt love before, she is the only woman he ever wanted to marry, and how he's been so lonely his whole life. He's literally sobbing through it all. It was her turn to tell her vows, and she's standing there saying nothing for at least three beats. Then she is handed a microphone and the piano starts playing. She's made up her own song, which are her vows.
After the ceremony, we adjourn to the church basement for the completely dry reception. I'm somehow roped into serving the groom's cake. It's two NASCAR car cakes made with an edible photo draped over the cake shapes, and it is impossible to cut through without mangling the cake, so I have to peel it off. My friend is cutting the bride's cake, and it's a full inch or more of fondant on top of plain cake. No frosting. The 'buffet' was a potluck from her family. This is food you'd expect at a kid's party. Pink punch was the only thing to drink. There was no dancing because of her religion. Then they left for their 'honeymoon' at the town's only hotel, which was like a Motel 6 level dump in a two-horse drawn carriage."
"This was at a classmates’ wedding. They were young, maybe like 22 or 23. There is apparently a caking tradition in some parts of the country, where when they cut the wedding cake, the couple feed each other a bit and smear each other’s faces with cake as a joke. The bride had absolutely made 1000% clear to the groom she did NOT want to be caked. He did it anyways, and not just a small smear, but full on smushed the slice in her face. She was stunned initially, then got up, face full of cake, yelled 'YOU MONSTER, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!'
And then she ran to a back area in the reception. The groom tried to follow, but the bridesmaids and mother of the bride stopped him. So he sat at the head table awkwardly while half the wedding party rushed off with the bride. She stayed back there for like an hour. They eventually did let him back there to check on her. We could hear her crying and them arguing. The rest of the reception came to a screeching halt until one of the bride’s aunts emerged and directed the servers to clear the tables and put on some music. They got divorced 2 years later.
"This was my friend's wedding. The bride wanted to sing him a song, so she did a kind of karaoke thing. There's bad singing, and then there's whatever this was. It was so awkward. Also, the dude asked a professional photographer friend of ours to photograph the wedding about a year before. He got a super noncommittal answer. Never followed up. And he was SHOCKED that the photographer didn't show up. (After he specifically declined the invitation because he was going to be in another country). He had the entire set of groomsmen rent ridiculously expensive tuxedos. Which, fine. Cool. Happy to be here. He's having his tux custom tailored, asks for something ridiculous and gaudy, but when quoted the price, says he can't swing that and insists they do it for about 1/4 the price. They do their best to meet specifications within the given price range, but it's bad. Really bad. So, the groomsmen look amazing, and he looks like a clown that didn't put on his makeup. He has another friend make a custom batch of drinks for the toast, but he rents a hall that doesn't allow outside drinks, so it can't be used for the toast during the reception. It was probably the cringiest thing I've ever seen, not just the cringiest wedding or even cringiest thing at a wedding."
"It’s a tie between my sister breaking her knee (seriously) at her own wedding dancing to the cotton eyed joe, and my stepsister having her reception at an honest to god truck stop while six months pregnant. In her defense, the food was good but WOW, was it weird walking through a gas station in formal wear. So my stepsister was engaged before she got pregnant, but they moved it up so she could be on her husbands insurance when the baby was born. For some unknown reason, she latched onto this weird truck stop restaurant my family goes to sometimes for late dinners (since it’s open 24 hours). The food was buffet style: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, salad, etc. We did have a private room which was VERY weird that it existed. The only way to get into the restaurant is to walk through the attached gas station. It felt VERY redneck considering how non-redneck my stepsister typically is. I officiated that wedding though, so I guess I can’t judge too harshly? Oh, my sister's wipe out was amazing. My sister is also a klutz who has broken several bones in her life prior to this, so it was just perfect. I saw it happen, walked up to my new brother-in-law, and said, 'This won’t be the last time I say this to you, but your wife just hurt herself and you should probably go check on her.'
"Hands down, my cousins wedding. The food was really bad. And I mean REALLY bad. Things that were supposed to be warm/hot were ice-cold and completely undercooked. There was music but nobody was allowed to dance because 'we don't want people to dance on our wedding'. There was also no drinks. Not a single drop. But the worst thing was the seating arrangement. They didn't plan on families/friends sitting together. I don't know what they were thinking. I was sitting on a table with complete strangers. They even separated our grandparents from each other.
After an hour, my grandmother stood up, walked over to my grandfather, and both declared that they are leaving now to the restaurant down the road, in order to have something good to eat and a drink. I joined them, as well as my parents. It didn't take long for people to notice that our seats were empty. This was really easy to figure out, since nobody was allowed to dance or walk around in general). We got a call from one of my uncles where we were at. After we explained why we left, he said, 'You are right. This is nonsense,' and we ended up with 20 guests from the wedding in that small restaurant having a fun evening.
I still don't know why they even bothered celebrating their wedding. They also never invited us again. That's actually a good thing because now I don't need to find an excuse why I can't join their future 'parties'."
"I'm in the wedding industry. I've been to over 3,000 weddings. The singing-your-vows thing is never ever going to work out like you think it will. Never sing your vows. Never attempt to sing any part of your wedding. It will not go as you visualized it. A wedding day is not a good time for surprises. Don't surprise your bride with an unexpected part of the ceremony. Don't surprise your mom by the wedding itself (true story, the bride told her mom she was going to an engagement dinner). The only exception to this rule is if you give the bride a surprise addition to her ring – grandma's diamond, or a ring made from her parents' rings. Jokes about doing it later are never funny. They make people uncomfortable, and it makes you look like an adolescent. There will always be crickets after you make the joke.
If you are going to be late, communicate that to EVERYONE somehow. Have your SO, or your parents, or someone tell everyone you will be late. The staff needs to know, especially. If you forget the rings, don't stress it. It's a funny story. If you forget your vows, wing it as best you can (just don't sing). Ask the officiant for help for last-minute vows. Finally, don't get wasted and be a loser. You don't want to be that guy. Plus, if you are wasted, you won't be able to do it later!"
"The bride entered to the 'Braveheart' soundtrack blasting on boom box. This was a civil service that lasted a few minutes, starting at around 1 p.m. She leaves to same blasting 'Braveheart' soundtrack. The mother announces that the reception starts at 5:30 p.m. There is no food and no bar, but trays of dessert bars will be served. We are also told the venue is locked until then, so there is no place to wait! My girlfriend and I leave with a crowd of people to across the street to an Irish pub for drinks. A bit of a party breaks out there. We all get told to knock it off and come wait back at the venue in the hall. So we sit in the hall on the carpet for a few hours without drinks or dinner. The bride and groom arrive and enter the venue to an 'honor guard' of floor hockey players wearing hockey jerseys and holding sticks above their heads like swords at a royal wedding. More 'Braveheart' music of course. The place emptied out pretty quick, as people either left to go back to the pub or to the fast food place a bit further away. Our dinner was lemon squares and a can of Coke from a vending machine in the lobby. Funny stuff.
I should mention that I got guilt tripped into staying after the event to help clean up, as I 'lived nearby and didn’t have to work that day', according to the bride. It was the perfect ending."
"Okay, so as soon as the bride and groom got out of church, everyone went to congratulate them and give gifts (which usually are flowers, drinks, or envelopes). The bride had a pen and notebook and she signed each envelope or wrote in notebook if someone didn't give her envelope. Later as we went to the restaurant where the party was about to start, we waited for two hours for the pair. Turns out they made a stop during their ride to count money. As they finally got to the party, they started complaining that they didn't make enough to pay for the party expenses and earn more. When they arrived, they only spend time with the 'rich' part of family. The 'poor' tables didn't get the good cakes or food. There was literally different food on some tables. I sat near our poor part of family, no meat or cakes made it to the table. I and like 7 other people didn't get forks, only spoons (why would you give fork to someone when there's only soup for them to eat). Now, mind you I gave them enough to pay for like 5 plates and I helped them during preparations, I even baked a few cakes that I didn't get to eat in the end. Half of the people got out after like 20 minutes. The bride called them all terrible for 'ruining her dream wedding'. Worst wedding ever, and that is just a part of the whole wedding mess. I wish I had a car back then so I could go back home as well, as the wedding was terrible for many other reasons as well. The groom was cheap, and the bride was a Karen.
This was a Polish wedding. Me and my mom, some aunts, as well as neighbors were preparing the food day before the wedding, as the groom thought it would be cheaper. We thought it would be great, a family bonding thing while making pierogi and some traditional food. Turns out we were just free workers, and the neighbors were not even invited, which I think was an awful move. So I know that there was enough food for everyone, but since the waiters were the bride's 'friends', she could tell them what to give to whom. The day after wedding was also cringe-worthy, but at least now we know how this part of family is. I saw many good and bad weddings, but seriously this was like a reality show of some kind. And it's only my part of the story.
Our family is not really wealthy, so it's common to help each other in situation like that. I believe she wanted a dream wedding like my other cousin had previously. But the thing is, that time the groom's family helped greatly with money, we also had over a year to prepare for the wedding, so money was not an issue for any side. This one was rushed, as she was pregnant, but she still wanted like 100k worthy wedding. We got our invitations like two months before, and if it wasn't a close family member, we wouldn't even come. We knew that this cousin and her mom (my aunt) had difficult personalities, but we couldn't expect it to go that far. Now it's an inside joke with my parents, but back then we were furious."
"Oh god, I know a couple who had an 'engagement ceremony', if that's what you could call it. They had been dating since high school, and were now about 22. She was this insecure and aggressive type of person. He was a total teddy bear and I chronically felt bad for how mean she seemed to be to him. She started to become really overbearing and pressuring him to propose around the time he was graduating from college and looking at grad school (out of state, where she didn't want to go). She planned his proposal for her. I still don't understand it. I got an invitation and everything.
They had a party some Saturday, something like a formal potluck. He was scheduled to pop the question in a room at 2:00 p.m. It sounded absolutely cringy and awful. I refused to attend this or their actual (another sad story) wedding, solely because of the principal of how weird she treated him. I'd say different strokes for different folks, but she gave me the willies. I was a few years older than them at the time and had been divorced at 23 from a psycho abuser. She had so many red flags. He went on to go to grad school at his alma mater/ her hometown. They had a baby recently. I still feel bad for that guy. She seemed to suck all happiness from everything, and he was in too deep to get out."