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Sticking It To The Dog
Sticking It To The Dog

"When I was around 10 and my older sister was 17, we went to the state fair. She was way too excited to get a giant corn dog right when we got there. She ate a few bites and then stops walking suddenly with a shocked look on her face.

We asked her what was wrong, and she looked back at us in all seriousness and said, '...someone put a stick in my corndog...'

What's more is that she was holding it by the _stick, w_hich added to our overall shock that she asked such a stupid question while literally holding the answer.

She was the valedictorian of her class at a pretty large high school, but she was and still is kind of a ditz."

She Was Amazed At The Amazing
She Was Amazed At The Amazing

"My sister admitted to me that she thought that the stars in the sky were located between the earth and the moon.

She was 40-years-old at the time and a professional, with a college degree.

When she was corrected at a business conference, she came home and asked me and her 17-year-old son if we knew the answer to this profound question: 'What's closer, the moon or the stars?' When we both answered correctly, her response was along the lines of: 'How did you know that?'

'Uhh, we didn't sleep through the entirety of every class we ever took?'"

They Grow It In The Basement
They Grow It In The Basement

"My aunt still believes that meat from the grocery store doesn't come from animals. Buying steak at Albertson's Supermarket is completely ok, but buying steak from a butcher is supporting cow murder.

"Meat comes from the grocery store. They make it at the store." - Direct quote from Aunt Karen."

It's Pretty Funny To Live With Someone Like This
It's Pretty Funny To Live With Someone Like This

"My stepsister is something else.

-We were looking at a map of Europe and she pointed at Ireland and asked if that was Canada (we are Canadian). When I told her no she was like right that's Australia...

-She once argued to me that apples don't have calories because it's a fruit.

-We were playing with our new puppy and I pointed out how cute her belly button was and she was like, 'that's not her belly button because dogs aren't mammals, therefore cannot have belly buttons.'

I have more stories but I can't remember them. God, living with her is wild."

The Slowest Cooking Pizza In The World
The Slowest Cooking Pizza In The World

"It's 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, and I was hanging out with my cousin Chris (same age as me, 16 at the time) and we figured we want some pizza. Easy, right?

So we're behind this pizza place and I give him like, 7 bucks to pay for it. Enough to cover whatever taxes are on the thing, which is usually like 5-6 dollars.

So he goes in and comes back out in less than 30 seconds with the money still in hand. Being confused, I ask him, 'Why didn't you order it?'

His response?

'They said it'd be done at 6:45.'

I'm flabbergasted. What kind of pizza takes 4 hours to make? Then it dawns on me.

He had placed the order for the pizza, and when the cashier told him that the total of the bill would be $6.45, he thought they were talking about the time and walked out without paying for it!

Needless to say, neither of us have forgotten about that day with the pizza that took 4 hours to cook."

Part Of A Club
Part Of A Club

"My younger sister, who was 17, asked me a couple months ago why people with cancer shaved their heads. I explained how chemo makes your hair fall out and she said,

'OH! I thought when you got diagnosed with cancer you just HAD to shave your head like it was required or something.'"

At Least She Heard The Answer
At Least She Heard The Answer

"A couple of gems from my girlfriend who just moved in:

'I have a confession.'

'Ok, what happened?'

'I was really curious about the one section of the neighbor's yard. I don't know why but I wanted to see what he had by his shed. Maybe take a look into his shed. So I went over there and started looking around but got scared and ran away.'

Completely baffled I said 'Ok? One, why are we trespassing into people's yards? And two, what did you find?'

'I didn't see much... the shed was locked and he had a bunch of bricks piled up.'

'BABE THAT'S OUR SHED IN OUR YARD!'

Once we were driving when she drops this bomb on me, 'Did you see that 'deaf child area' sign?'

'Yes, what about it?'

'So if your child is born deaf, do you like, have to move to one of these blocks?'

I had to pull over on that one."

Taking Religion Seriously
Taking Religion Seriously

"I moved to Idaho from Alabama. My cousin's wife, who was in her mid-twenties, started texting me asking if she could come and visit sometime because the way I described it sounded nice. I told her that would be perfectly okay. She asked if she could bring her grandma. Yes, of course. She asked if they'd be allowed to leave if they didn't like it. Wait, hold the phone, what?

She again asked me if 'they' would allow her to leave. It took me a while to figure out what she was talking about. She was convinced that the entire state of Idaho was a fenced in Mormon compound guarded by Latter Day Saints folks who regulated who came in and who left."

Give It A Whirl!
Give It A Whirl!

"My sister flew in for Christmas. She asked me if there was someplace she could put her suitcase. I pointed to the closet and said, 'put it in the closet.'

She looked at the closet and asked: 'Do you think it'll fit?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Hmmm, I don't know, give it a whirl.' She started spinning still holding on to the luggage. I looked at her crazy. She asked why I was giving her stink eye. 'Because when I said 'give it a whirl' I meant for you to see if it fit in the closet; not that you should suddenly start twirling around with your suitcase.'

She didn't find the situation funny at all. I, on the other hand, giggled like a school girl."

She's Not A River-Dwelling Mammal
She's Not A River-Dwelling Mammal

"Man, my mom, God bless her, is a goldmine for saying dumb stuff. To be completely honest, she's not the sharpest crayon in the box, so to speak.

One story comes immediately to mind, though. When I was an angsty teenager, I got into an argument with her and proceeded to call her a hypocrite. The dumbstruck look on her face is one that will stick with me forever.

She got super upset, saying, 'how dare you call me that fat! That's so cruel to pick at someone's weight like that! I'm not fat! You're fatter than me!' and she went on and on.

She thought I called her a crate of hippos.

A crate

of hippos.

She also thought that the UK was in New York City, and believed so to the point of heated arguments with the family, so there's that. And that you needed a passport to visit New Mexico because it's in another country, apparently. God I could go on and on."

Fear The Hazards!
Fear The Hazards!

"Unfortunately this one is about myself. Everyone I know gets a real kick out of this one.

My dad and I were driving to the gas station. I must have been 4, and I'm old enough now to tell you I was sitting in the front seat and that was perfectly legal.

I'm pressing the radio buttons and just being your typical curious kid, and I went to hit the hazard lights button and my dad yelled, 'NO! Don't ever touch that! If the lights turn on, I have to call somebody to come and use a special key to turn them off and it costs a lot of money.'

I believed this to be gospel, and I never, EVER touched that button.

About a year ago, my ex and I were going to the grocery store to pick up a prescription. He says, 'Just park right here by the doors and I'll be right back (it was snowing like a madman). Put your hazard lights on.'

To which I replied, 'No [freaking] way, I'm not paying money to have them turned off and I don't even know a company that does it.'

I'll let you take the liberty of imagining what the rest of the conversation entailed.

I am 35."

What About EAST Carolina?
What About EAST Carolina?

"I live in South Carolina. Earlier this summer, I overheard a conversation between a mother and (20ish-year-old) daughter, who had recently relocated here from the west coast.

'Mom, why is it called South Carolina?' 'Um, I don't know. To tell the difference from North Carolina?' 'Yeah, duh, but we're on the east coast.' 'Okay?' 'So it can't be South Carolina if we're on the east coast.' 'I never thought of it that way.' 'Yeah... it doesn't make any sense at all.'

Something certainly, 'didn't make any sense.'"

Take With Food
Take With Food

"An ex of mine was given a prescription that had to be taken with food because it's hard on the stomach. A few days in, he was complaining about the taste of the pills and how it ruined his food. That's when I realized he thought he had to put it in the food and eat it. We were both mid-twenties at the time, I didn't think I had to supervise his med intake, but...

The guy was able to swallow pills, he just genuinely thought that the indications on the label meant to put the pills in his food."

Chicken, Not Eggs
Chicken, Not Eggs

"My then 28-year-old sister-in-law learned for the first time that eggs laid by chickens were, in fact, unfertilized baby chickens.

I had just met her at the time of her realization and wasn't sure if she was serious or if she was trying to pull a stunt. Unfortunately, she was not joking and was absolutely horrified and disgusted. She has not eaten an egg for the past 2 years.

She regularly eats chicken for dinner though."

A Spoiled One
A Spoiled One

"I had an ex-girlfriend of mine look me dead in the eyes, super seriously, and ask

Ex: 'Do you ever feel like when you wake up that everything that's happening in the world is based on what you did?'

Me: 'No, not sure what you mean?'

Ex: 'Like everything happening is for me for some reason.'

Me: 'Wait, are you seriously saying that you think the world... revolves around you and what you do?'

Ex: 'Yes! But no, not that.'

Me: 'You just described the adage: the world revolves around me.'

Ex: 'Well it does doesn't it?'

I didn't know what to say. I ended up causing a big fight, and it ended with me getting punched in the ear. I will never forget that day, I honestly never thought I'd hear that saying used literally."

Oh Canada
Oh Canada

"My ex-girlfriend had a map in her room. She was trying to stump me on certain countries by asking me to point where they were on the map.

For example. 'Where is Japan?' and so forth. I wanted to give her an easy one, so I said, 'Where's Canada?'

After some serious thought, that took way longer than I imagined, she pointed to France.

I said, 'You're joking, right?' She then got mad and pointed to Mexico saying something along the lines that she hasn't learned where Canada was since 3rd grade.

This was when she was 21 years old in college for early childhood education."

Doctors Doing Harm

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Doctors Doing Harm

"I heard my own mother say, 'Well I don't wanna vaccinate any of my kids because what's stopping the doctor from adding poisonous ingredients to it to hurt them? I read an article on a health website saying that a scary amount of medical professionals have malicious, political intentions.'

I love my mother but good lord she is not freaking smart."

Screaming Like It's The End
Screaming Like It's The End

"I had some extended family from an incredibly rural part of Texas visit me in Chicago.

They were super paranoid about getting shot on the lead-up despite the fact that I had explained ten times that we were in a good neighborhood. But that wasn't the worst part, that's the expected country mouse stuff.

I was driving them from the airport, it was dark, and one of the kids starts screaming bloody murder. I panic and nearly crash. When I ask what he was screaming about he said the stars went away.

You might be thinking that isn't so bad, he's probably never been to a major city and he's probably like 5 or 6. No. He was in the EIGHTH GRADE. The dad tried to explain that they were still there but you just couldn't see them but ended up totally stumped when he was asked to elaborate. I eventually did my best to explain light pollution and I think he finally got it.

My problem isn't that he was confused, we've all had momentary panics when we don't understand something. My problem was the fact that he shrieked like he'd just seen the devil while I was struggling to get this packed car home through a traffic jam."

Life Is Out There
Life Is Out There

"I was in a relationship with a real winner.

We both enjoyed the good herb pretty regularly, and after a good smoke session, we got to talking about extraterrestrial life. I briefly went into how it's mathematically impossible that earth harbors the only life in the universe.

She then replied that she didn't believe there was any life outside of our planet. She believed this not because of religion or any other reason than 'I just think that if there were anything out there to see, our astronauts would have seen it by now.'

I've never watched someone's mind explode as hard as hers when I explained the size of our solar system, the number of solar systems in our galaxy, the size of our galaxy, and what we've observed in the known universe.

She didn't even know that the farthest humans have been is around the moon."

Tilting At Windmills
Tilting At Windmills

"At dinner once we were talking about offshore windmills and green energy. A relative asked:

'What about the boats?'

We all kind of waited in confused silence.

'What do you mean?'

'How are they going to get by them without getting damaged?' Awkward silence.

'I believe they will sail around the windmills,' I replied.

To this day I can't figure out what he was imagining. Part of me thinks that he was picturing a giant miniature golf windmill with a hole in the middle and intrepid sailors would have to valiantly sail between the blades or be crushed and face certain death."

He Doesn't Seem Much Smarter
He Doesn't Seem Much Smarter

"My little sister is a senior in high school.

She's very smart - she's maintained a 4.0 GPA all through school, been a cheerleader for three years and has a part-time job at 17 when she's not at school which is 100% better than where I was at that age. But she doesn't know months, or how many states are in the US, or how many days in a year, or where the US capital is, etc. It's a bunch of little things but it's funny. It's also sad though because her generation is even worse than mine.

I mean I had a hard time trying to figure out how to send a package at the post office the other day. I guarantee she has no idea how to even send a letter."

The Magic Of TV
The Magic Of TV

"My sister and I went to a college football game.

She wanted to know why the yellow lines weren't appearing on the field to signify where the first down would be. Sorry, but that's only on TV."

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