The Legend Of The Grape


The Legend Of The Grape

"On my first day of law school, I was walking across the campus when a short, round, and pungent man crossed my path, wearing nothing but purple undergrad regalia and a tone-deaf smile. I thought to myself, 'Geez, this grape of a guy is gonna be in your assigned study group and make your life torture.' Sure enough, we were assigned to the same mandatory first-semester study group. But I had underestimated the Grape--he was more than torture.

Imagine seven people crammed into a tiny broom closet in the back of a library. Imagine that one of these people is so hefty and wears so much purple, he jiggles with juice just by breathing. Imagine that said person couldn't point out a shower if you drowned him in it. I, personally, was lucky in that my sense of smell is stunted, but my commiserators weren't so fortunate. It wasn't long before the Grape's pungence triggered an asthma attack in another student and we were moved to a larger space with more breathing room.

Every sentence out of the Grape's mouth was pure vinegar. Each one started with, 'Well, actually...' and decayed into self-aggrandizing nonsense from there. No matter what had happened, the Grape had outgraped it, or, if he hadn't, then in his far-right conspiratorial mindset, it wasn't worth his time. Each of the many times someone out-argued him or disproved what he called logic, he would smile, wink, and whisper, 'I could kill you in a fight,' under his breath.

The professors came to dread calling on him or interacting with him in any capacity. I will never forget the look on the Dean's face when they learned the Grape still wasn't bathing even after getting reported to the administration for it. If there was a way to insult his classmates, he would do it; if he could make a snide remark he'd make it; if he could tick someone off, he'd tick away. The student body united in returning whatever he dealt out twice-over, but they could never match his pungency. Worse, he never noticed that everyone hated him, even when people told him to his face. He'd just laugh with his knowing smirk and say, 'Well, actually, you know you can't live without me.'

Each day in class, he would arrive in all his purple, sit wherever the AC blew the hardest, heft his belly onto the desk, and waft his essence. There was no escape. I remember one time I was late to class and had no choice but to sit next to him. Even my unsmelling nose couldn't withstand his musk. The nostril nearest him burned with flame and when I looked in his direction, my nose singed numb and my eyes watered.

He bragged about how when he became a lawyer, he would ruin people's lives and how he'd have deported a black classmate's ancestors if he'd been practicing back then. He advocated death to all misdemeanors, castration to felons (well, actually, he'd advocate that along with the death penalty), bragged that he was almighty and tried to pick a fight with me every time I outperformed him.

And now he's a prosecutor gleefully destroying people's lives just to see them cry."

Worst Roommate Ever


Worst Roommate Ever

"My roommate last year (thanks random college assignments) was the worst human being I've ever met.

He would scream at his parents on the phone to do all his class/appointment scheduling for him. He was a rampant racist and misogynist and told one of my friends (girl) that video games are only for guys, one of our RA's (guy) that his major (physiology) was for girls. He told my girlfriend that 'women don't work hard enough to have well-paying careers.'

He tried to get tutors to do his homework for him and got mad when they wouldn't. Everything he owned absolutely stank to high heaven because he had no sense of hygiene. He ate nothing but Jolly Ranchers, other candies, and Chick-fil-A. He took the lowest level classes possible and almost failed out of school while still telling people he was smarter than everyone else.

He was very vocal about being extremely supportive of certain hateful and bigoted political views. Every discussion where anyone tried to correct him on anything turned into him yelling the same thing over and over, and when you eventually gave up and walked away, he would say he won the argument because he's so great at debating.

When asked what he was going to do with the rest of his life and career, he answered that he would be a CEO. I am beyond glad to have that miserable little piece of crap out of my life forever. I couldn't make this up if I tried."

The Insufferable Band Member


The Insufferable Band Member

"When I was a section leader in band, I had a member that was intolerable. Looking back, he likely had some mental issues. He was a pale white, scrawny guy. He had lived in Mexico for a while, and from what I could tell, a relatively decent area (not one rampant with cartel influence).

He liked to act as though he was a super tough gangster about a 1/4 of the time, including threatening people who looked in his direction.

Another 1/4 of the time, he was trying to share his drawings of medieval weaponry and how cool he thought they were.

Then, 1/4 of the time, he would get very preachy about non-violence and peace--seemingly forgetting that he threatened to cut someone the day before, or his discussion of a medieval lance two days before.

The rest of the time, he was just oblivious to the world, which made keeping him on the same page for practice ridiculously taxing.

As a high schooler, and having a crappy band teacher, it was extremely annoying to deal with. The worst, though, was the time right before a competition he leaned in and whispered something to me (we were just off the stage, so leaning in and whispering was normal). Then, and even now, I have no idea what he said. His breath was the single most disgusting smell I had ever encountered. It was like rotten meat fermented in pickle juice left in the sun. It was so bad, I literally grabbed a timpani so that I wouldn't fall over and vomit.

On top of all of that, he thought he was flawless. So, when I pointed out that he played something wrong, or was out of synch, fast, slow, etc., he'd either say, 'It's all good,' or he'd freak out yelling."


"She Was The Most Narcissistic Person I've Ever Seen"

"There's this girl that I've known since I was 7. She, like me, was always homeschooled. We met at a homeschool co-op thing her mom organized and we became pretty good friends. Like a lot of friendships, we grew apart after we got too old for the co-op and didn't see each other for a while. I was already starting to get annoyed with her and her mom by that point, so I didn't really care. They were pretty intense and awkward, and the mom was the kind of parent that thinks her children can do no wrong and everyone that says otherwise is exaggerating/lying. I think that's a really big reason she acted the way she did.

After a couple years of not really talking, she ended up in one of the same ballet classes with me, and holy crap was she something. For one, she would always wear a very minimal amount of clothing every week, to the point she got pulled aside by the teacher at least once to be told to cover up. Now, I have no problems with people wearing more revealing clothes, but we had a dress code at our dance studio: you had to wear a skirt or shorts with your tights and leotard, and she never would wear one. She would also wear a leotard that was too small for her chest, so she always had a TON of cleavage, to the point that anytime she'd jump there was a chance she could just pop out.

She was also the most narcissistic person I've ever seen. She would stare at herself in the mirror the entire class, messing with her hair or something. On weeks we covered the mirrors, she would be visibly annoyed about it and would pull the curtains aside to stare at herself. She honestly thought she was the best in every way. She would brag about herself literally every chance she could and would clock out when anyone else was talking. There were so many times she did this, but the worst time was a couple months ago. She and I just graduated high school and one week she started going around to every graduate in the class, asking about colleges and what not.

She got to me and asked:

'Hi! Do you know where you're going to school?'

'Oh yeah, I'm going to...'

'That's so cool! I got into every college I applied to! It's so hard to choose!'

She didn't even let me finish my sentence. She just started rambling about how hard it is to be so loved by all the colleges she applied to."

Ian's Annoying Antics


Ian's Annoying Antics

"This kid from Freshman year, let's call him Ian. Now, I'll tell you right now that Ian went to middle school with me and had some less than admirable moments to his name. This includes things like pushing teachers into lockers and running from the cops. He thought we were buddy-buddy, which we weren't, so he tried to latch onto me at the beginning of freshman year.

Somehow I managed to only get one class with him (thank God), which was first period English. For half the year, he sat far away from me, but for the second half, he sat RIGHT BEHIND ME. So, I got to enjoy his annoying antics. Also in English were my two good friends who we'll call Tyler and Arnold. Tyler, Arnold and I were all into manga so we would all go to the library twice a day to exchange the ones we had for new ones. Unfortunately, Ian was also into manga.

So that meant that Ian would continually ask me questions about what I was reading and what was going on in his book as I read. It was so freaking annoying and he would literally never shut up. Another thing about Ian was he would constantly just be a jerk to people. Every day, he would tell Arnold he had a pelican nose (which was unfunny anyway) and he would tell Tyler that he had no soul since he was a ginger.

The other thing was that he never did the work. The teacher would constantly ask him where his work was and would always give him second chances, but he just wouldn't do it. I absolutely despised him for that, too, because he would put that poor teacher through so much extra work. So, overall, he was a piece of crap and thankfully he switched from my school to homeschool so I don't have to see him anymore. Or so I thought. The other day, I saw him in a bookstore and I somehow managed to hide from him, but geez he's just such a horrible person.

Oh yeah, he would also threaten to beat people's faces in if they didn't do what he wanted. What a piece of crap."


"I Despise Everything He Does"

"There is someone who goes to my school and has been in some of my classes, let's call him, D.

D is the single closest thing to a narcissist I have ever met. Anytime I ever go near him, he immediately starts spouting bullcrap about his physical and mental superiority. I won't even say anything to him and he starts listing off how fast he ran in track the other day, or how smart he is, or how his family 'doesn't recognize his genius.' I'm starting to think maybe he doesn't even care if I'm hearing what he's saying, maybe he just needs to have an excuse to hear is own voice.

Various other things he's done/said that annoys the crap out of me:

Sometimes when he's trying to be funny or gets really mad, he stutters. A couple of people pointed this out once and he got mad and said, 'I can't help it, it's my dyslexia.'

So we were like, 'Oh, that sucks,'

He continued, 'Yeah, I was diagnosed with this really rare form of COMPREHENSIVE dyslexia, so I can read and write just fine, but it just takes me longer to comprehend what I'm reading...' I'm not sure if that is legitimate or it's just his excuse for being dumb.

He claimed that he was 'diagnosed as a child genius at a young age,' but his aforementioned dyslexia was 'holding him back from reaching his full potential.'

He kisses up to the few teachers he likes and is a jerk to literally everyone else.

He has some sort of fascination with Asians... every time he receives his score on a test he goes around to all the Asian people he knows and asks them what they got. Lord have mercy if he finds out he got a higher score than one of them... 'I got a higher score on a test than an Asian,' is all you'll be hearing for the rest of the month or maybe forever.

He is always talking about how good he is at Fortnite. He's probably the only reason why I cringe at the mention of Fortnite now

He is always talking about how often he goes to the gym, he's making massive gains in his biceps and such. Which is why it was hilarious when he lost an arm-wrestling match to the skinniest kid in the room...twice in a row.

It's getting to the point where I despise everything he does, down to the smallest detail. I hate the way he talks. I hate the way he looks at other people. I hate the way he eats. I hate how he tries to be sneaky in class when he's picking his nose and eating whatever comes out."

He Was So In Love With Himself


He Was So In Love With Himself

"I met this guy in college due to dorm living.

The best way I was able to put it was 'he is in love with himself and desperately wants to show it to the world as frequently as possible.' On top of this, he seemed like a walking example of the Dunning-Kruger effect (where those of low cognitive ability overestimate their own abilities), lack of awareness, and materialism.

For context, I am very easygoing and can tend to get along with just about anybody pretty much no-matter-what. My favorite compliment from an old boss was, 'If I was getting a small team ready to be stuck alone in the Arctic for 9 months, you'd be the first name on my list - you can take anything in stride.'

Anyway, we'll call the guy Dave:

In fairness, the fact that he was a business major (the party-school major at our university) got him off to a bad start among a bunch of engineering/science types. The weird thing, though, was that he wasn't a party/bro-type that you'd think from this - he was kinda nerdy, seemed actually interested in business school, and only drank a little. Which you'd think would have helped, but it was just odd, especially since he was incessantly complaining about how difficult his math classes were - they were the equivalent of sophomore year high school math. Even with occasional help from us on the math, he eventually flunked out of the business school (this was hard to do - a significant portion of the business school students were hungover, asleep, or still wasted at any given time of day).

He didn't lack money: he would intermittently 'commission' large pieces of abstract art, which he would put up in the common area and spend hours 'contemplating.' And yes, he paid a lot for them; he told us all the prices. Every new piece would require a long, in-depth discussion with everybody possible about how to rearrange the living room to accommodate it. I mean, I am admittedly kind of a modern-art-philistine, but even so, this just reeked of aiming for a certain deep/artsy image and not caring about inconveniencing everybody else in the process of displaying it.

He took up certain hobbies, would get super excited about them and tell everybody every detail of his exploits at great length, and then be on to the next thing. Despite his apparently plentiful funds, he would typically buy wildly inadequate or inappropriate equipment for whatever new hobby he was approaching, and then spend a lot of time talking about how great it (and he) was and how he didn't need the stuff that other people were using (which he absolutely needed, as the experienced folks could clearly see).

He'd also just talk about his possessions very frequently. We all knew every detail about his messenger bag and how long he had it and why he got it and what he liked so much about it.

He coupled all this with an absolute inability to read people. One of our group, Bob, wasn't all that annoyed by Dave and wanted to be willing to discuss/debate things with Dave. This often led to them having different opinions or positions (since Dave's positions often, to be blunt, ranged from stupid to false-by-definition). Bob would express this as politely as possible and be really pretty friendly about it all. Dave interpreted this as Bob hating his guts, which he confided to me.

I, as I've said, can get along with almost anybody in almost any situation. But not Dave. By the end of the time together, I was just short of being openly hostile, and would just stand up and leave the room if Dave showed up (frankly, that probably is openly hostile). People were making jokes about it - finally a crack in my easygoing, friendly demeanor! Dave, somehow, thought we were on great terms.

There is no one thing like 'never showered' or 'was constantly trashed' that I can point to, but it was just every hipster stereotype turned up to 11, all the time, with a total lack of awareness.

At one point, we assembled a group of about a dozen various friends-of-friends for a particular event that required a team with various special skills. Because of an accident, Dave wound up being offered a spot on the team. To get everybody to meet, we held a small party. I was the kind of acting team captain. About 15 minutes into the party, one guy, Chuck, came up to speak quietly to me. Chuck, I learned later, was also a pretty easygoing, nonconfrontational guy who doesn't say bad things about people, especially to strangers. He only knew one other guy there (and not me, Bob, or Dave), so almost the whole team including myself and Dave were total strangers to him. He told me, 'Hey, I understand that this is an annual thing, I've been trying to get on a team for a while. I'd love to do this again in the future... but not if that guy [nod to Dave] is around.' Literally 15 minutes in, to a complete stranger. I've never seen him say anything even remotely like that ever since, but Dave rubbed him the wrong way so strongly, and so fast.

I haven't spoken to Dave since the wonderful day that we moved apart, it's been decades, and he remains one of the very few people who I deeply dislike on a personal level."

She Started To Notice Her Compulsive Lying


She Started To Notice Her Compulsive Lying

"We clicked at first due to similar interests and being in some classes together. Eventually, we started to do projects together. That's when I started to notice her compulsive lying. She was recruited by 'Harvard,' but chose to go to our community college to be close to family. Harvard recruits people? I'm not sure, as I'm not really Harvard material, but I've never heard of the Ivy Leagues recruiting people.

Then she started talking about how this one class is going to ruin her 4.0. I knew she failed a math class the previous semester, so she couldn't possibly have a 4.0. I didn't think it's a big deal that she didn't have a 4.0, but why lie about something so obvious? She talked about how famous hockey players have been to her house (this one could be plausible, as our town had a junior league team and some of the players either attend the private all-boys school or one of the public schools in a nearby suburb) and that she talks to them all the time.

The kicker was one night we were supposed to do a project together and she told me she was in the hospital. This was plausible to me, as she has had numerous health problems in the past (that I'd witnessed). Thinking that she was actually sick, I rushed and got everything done. The next day, she's in class talking about how she hooked up with her ex and drove to Cleveland for the weekend. I was livid. We were forced to be partners for the remainder of the semester, but I cut off contact with her after that. She wound up dropping out."

He Always Had To Have The Biggest Fish

De Repente/Shutterstock

He Always Had To Have The Biggest Fish

"A friend from high school always had to have the biggest fish ever and let everyone know he was the best. If you were driving a pre-owned Toyota, he's gonna explain how his spray-painted Honda, barely functioning from all the mods done, was clearly the superior vehicle. He let me know I was an idiot for spending so much on tattoos since he knew someone to do it cheaper using only an RC motor.

Eventually, I got fed up. Someone was asking where I lived and this started a conversation about if it's a rough area and Mr. Bigfish had to tell about where he used to live like it was a crime-infested ghetto he barely survived (I live in that area now and it's quite nice). I punched him in the chest once and he walked away.

Last I heard, he's dodging his baby mama and was using products I designed the packaging for. He believes a college education is an overall waste of money and you just need a GED to get a job and anything else can be learned on YouTube."


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