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That Sounds Like A Lovely Day... Not!

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That Sounds Like A Lovely Day... Not!

"My cousin got married to a jerk who had cheated on her with 15 other women and two guys. She had three kids, none of them his, although she was adamant they were.

The wedding was held in August in a park next to an algae-covered pond that housed seemingly the entire world's population of mosquitoes and biting flies.

The food was 'vegan' and thus everything was made with either tofu or some other soy product (because my cousin is a moron who thinks vegans only eat tofu), so I couldn't eat anything because I am allergic to soy. She got mad at me for not eating my dinner that cost her $45 for a plate with three items on it.

When reminded her that I am allergic, she asked me, 'Would it kill you to do this one thing for me on my wedding day?'

Yes, Tabby, it could very much kill me to eat tofu. You saw that the last time you tricked me into a tofu burger and I spent two weeks in the ICU."

The Dysfunctional Family's Dysfunctional Weddings

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The Dysfunctional Family's Dysfunctional Weddings

"My cousin married a woman that no one in our family liked. She got pregnant from another man while they were dating, she was verbally abusive, and she refused to work. He has a huge heart and loves the kids, and he thought he loved her.

At the end of the ceremony, my uncle (the groom's father) stood up and demanded to know why they 'skipped the part about objections.' Everyone awkwardly ignored him and he did not show at the reception.

Another time, when one of my other uncles got married, he only gave the family two weeks notice that he was getting married. We're scattered across the country, but managed to make it to Missouri for the 'wedding.' The night before, my uncle informed us that they had already gone to the courthouse and got married, so it was just going to be a reception.

He asked that everybody bring a dish. The reception was at a public park in one of those big gazebos. It was a rainy day. We brought some stuff from a grocery store. My family members were the only people there. My uncle and his new bride stayed for maybe an hour, then departed, but not before reminding us that we had to have everything cleaned up by 2 pm. We reconciled by calling it a family reunion."

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"It Became A Redneck Version Of Wrestlemania"

"When I was 19, my older sisters and I were invited to the wedding of our second cousin. My niece, who was 17 at the time, was a bridesmaid.

We got to the 'wedding venue,' which as an old dilapidated single wide trailer in the middle of nowhere. It had rained heavily the night before and it was so muddy that our feet sunk up to our ankles in mud. The chairs set up were mismatching and half were rusted. My sister sat down and the bottom rung broke. She is not a large woman.

As we sat watching this disaster unfold, men in real tree camo shirts started laying down random pieces of multicolored carpet down on the wet muddy ground. Okay, you make due right? My sisters and I looked at each other and shrugged and my other sister (her daughter was the bridesmaid) started elbowing me in the side and sneakily gesturing off to the side. The groomsmen were smoking a crack pipe behind a pine tree. By now, we realized that no good was going to come from this wedding.

It would at least be entertaining.

My sisters are twins. They don't look alike, but they have that whole creep twin communication thing going on, so they exchanged a series of eyebrow movements and facial twitches, and the sister at my side got up and went somewhere. She returned a couple minutes later with a flask in her purse. We were going to need a drink for this and no one wanted to touch the open bar of half empty, suspicious looking bottles on the table of food leaning precariously off to the side. Keep in mind, this is summer in southern Georgia. It was hot as Satan's butthole and twice as humid, and they had food in this heat with flies all over it.

We each took little sips from the flask and waited. Not five minutes later, my niece came running out in the shortest, bright orange skin tight dress I've ever seen. She was holding down the hem, trying to keep from flashing everyone her butt, with this wild look in her eyes. She told us: 'Speed! They're all smoking speed! Even the pregnant bride!'

My sister told her, 'Do NOT touch the speed!'

Well, things progressed and we were finally underway. The wedding march started. It was interspersed with shots from one of the groomsmen who decided to bring his long barrel to the wedding.

The bouquets were plastic flowers from Wal-Mart with 30.30 shells sprinkled through them for 'decoration.' All the bridesmaids were wearing the same horrendous dress as my niece. The bride entered, in a dress out of 1985. It was horrible, ill-fitting, and massively huge.

The wedding started, the bride passed out, and we all made a run for the car as shots rang out and food started flying. We watched from as safe a distance as it became a redneck version of Wrestlemania. We made a break for it about time molotovs started flying. We hauled out of there and passed cop cars speeding down the dirt road.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, that was there got arrested. Except us. The mother of the bride bit a cop, the bride herself had to be taken to the hospital and given Narcan. And the groom went to prison because he had multiple warrants."

His Fiancee Caught An Early Case Of Bridezilla

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His Fiancee Caught An Early Case Of Bridezilla

"My mom's wedding was an outright disaster. She had the bright idea to invite my long time ex (we were on fine terms, she was kinda like a daughter to my mom; that's not where the issue was). I normally wouldn't care but being that I was bringing my very territorial fiancée, I knew this was a bad idea. Lucky for me, my fiancée didn't know what she looked like, she only knew her name. Well, after I walked my mom down the aisle, I went to sit down, and my fiancée was sitting in front of my ex, and of course, she overheard some friends say my ex's name.

My fiancée dug her hand into my thigh and asked me to confirm if it was her, which I did. I told her to relax and that she had nothing to worry about. At the reception, we continued to fight privately. Eventually, I told her to get lost because I trying to have a good time.

A couple of my best friends tried to calm her down, and well, good luck with that. It didn't go well. Eventually, the party ended and we went back to the hotel for a huge fight. She said some nasty things in a fit of rage to my grandparents when they told her to grow up. I finally wrangled her into the room after that.

She was in my face screaming and spat in my face. I had it at this point and grabbed her by the throat and threw her on the bed. Mercifully, she grabbed her belongings and left.

She ended up crashing with my friends that night. The next morning after I realized she had my passport and I had some of her stuff, ( we were going on a 10-day cruise after the wedding) we had to schedule a meet up to exchange belongings which thankfully went ok thanks to my friends.

She booked a plane ticket back to Las Vegas where I had moved to be with her. I moved back home and went on the cruise alone, and needless to say, we are no longer engaged."

Talk About Wasted Time

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Talk About Wasted Time

"Usually, the church service in Ireland lasts around an hour for a wedding, maybe a little over if you're unlucky - but this service lasted just over three hours. The bride had asked for what seemed like every song she had ever heard to be played - in full - at the service and we all had to sit through it, shivering in the chapel and dying for a drink. She added extra bits to the mass, to the marriage bit of the mass, to the end of the mass, and had 15 people lined up for Prayers of the Faithful (three or four is the norm).

By the time the church service was over, it was rush hour and we all had to travel about ten miles from the chapel to the hotel for the reception. It took us a little over two hours to get there - then she had to get all of her pictures done.

It was almost 9 pm before we sat down to the meal, which was completely dried out and ruined. The band didn't start until 11, by which time no one was in the mood.

It was honestly the worst wedding I've ever attended.

Keep it simple, people."

There Was No

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There Was No "Happily Ever After"

"A girl I knew from high school had been dating the same guy for a couple of years, but he refused to commit. Knowing that his family was old school catholic, and being the genius that she was, she purposely got pregnant to trap him into marriage.

The wedding went off smoothly, but at the reception, the couple got into a full-blown fistfight, which then escalated into a family vs family brawl. Fists were flying, weapons were drawn, and I escaped with my friends through the kitchen.

Police and paramedics were called and several people were arrested but fortunately, no one was seriously injured, and the marriage was over before it began.

Three days later, the bride had a 'miscarriage,' (no one but her family ever believed she was pregnant), and she blamed the groom. The war between the families went on for months until the groom died in a car accident."

They Cheaped Out On EVERYTHING
They Cheaped Out On EVERYTHING

"My cousin got married in an eastern Kentucky small town. It was at least an hour drive from any hotels. Their wedding was in late June. In the middle of a field. In full sun. His wife 'designed' the flowers and decorations, which amounted to some really sad looking plants wilting in the sun, still in their plastic pots with hooks attached, just sitting in the aisle. It was 90 degrees out and they were 45 minutes late starting the ceremony. While we were sitting there, cooking in the sun, sweating through our nice clothes, they provided bottled water to help us cool down. But no one brought ice. The bottles were stored, warm, with no ice, in bright orange 20-gallon buckets with rope handles. Which were placed on either side of the aisle. They did not do any kind of insect treatment to this field before the event. Mosquitoes and chiggers. Everywhere.

The reception was held in the middle school cafeteria just down the road. They reused the prom decorations for their reception. Because in this town, apparently, the high school prom happens in the middle school cafeteria. It smelled like old macaroni and cheese. The provided meal was quartered squares of bologna and ham sandwiches on Wonderbread with a spread of condiments. The wedding cake was from Wal-Mart.

I should specify at this point that money was not an issue. They had a fairly large budget. They just thought this was good."

Whose Day Is This Again?

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Whose Day Is This Again?

"After the vows and the kiss, as the couple was walking together down the aisle, the mother of the bride stopped the recessional and announced that she and her husband were renewing their vows right then and there. The husband was mortified but went along with it.

After all, they paid for the wedding, and the band, and the flowers, and they didn't want all of that to 'go to waste.'

Once they had renewed their vows, the bride's mother invited everyone to the 'joint reception.' Throughout the reception, the mother loudly and repeatedly commented on how many gifts the bride and groom had received and how no one had bothered to bring a gift for the mother and husband. Never mind the fact that none of the guests (nor the wedding party, the planners, nor anyone else) knew the bride's parents would be exchanging vows.

Towards the end, after a whole night of drinking, the sobbing mother accused the bride of stealing her 'special day,' called her a whole bunch of mean things in front of her friends and family, then grabbed the wedding cake and left.

The bride and groom had another ceremony a few weeks later. No parents were invited."

I Wonder How He Got Stuck Babysitting

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I Wonder How He Got Stuck Babysitting

"The groom's sister got sorority girl wasted in the limo on the way to the reception.

She stashed a brown-paper-bag with two-fifths of Pucker under her chair for the Lord's prayer. She held my hand the entire time, chanting, 'I need to pee.'

She drank heavily all through the meal and then caught the bouquet. The guy that caught the garter had his head shoved up her dress while he was putting it on her. Once he finally emerged from her cavern of doom, he was bright red and ran away. She chased him around and literally flung herself at him to dance and grope him in front of everyone. She got bored with that and started dancing on the DJs table. The bride was mortified and nearly in tears, so her brother picked up this mess and tried to carry her outside. This sent her redneck boyfriend into a rage and he picked a fight with the brother. The cops were called. I just sat there, wishing I had popcorn to watch the mess."

Jealous Much?

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Jealous Much?

"It was well known that the mother-in-law wasn't a fan of the bride. On the wedding day, she turned up late in a pale peach gown that may as well have been white and looked exactly like a wedding gown. She was up and about at the church until the wedding March started to play, at which time she hopped up out of the back and walked quickly up the aisle, basically in front of the bride, to take her seat at the front. She started making this horrendous crying sound as soon as the wedding vows started and didn't stop until the pastor presented the couple as husband and wife.

She promptly ran to the front and used her elbow to move the bride before throwing herself into the arms of the groom. At the photo shoot afterward, she kept trying to exclude the bride from the pictures and posed in no fewer than 10 photos of just her and her son. So every pose he did with his bride, his mom tried to recreate.

I wasn't invited to the reception but heard she gave a doozy of wedding speech about how she couldn't believe the bride was stealing her only baby and implied quite strongly that the son only married her because she was pregnant.

Bear in mind, the couple was together for five years."

Their Parents Tried Their Hardest To Ruin The Wedding

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Their Parents Tried Their Hardest To Ruin The Wedding

"I was a bridesmaid for my college friend's wedding. She was engaged to a guy whose parents had always been Catholic but suddenly got SUPER SERIOUS about it a few years prior. This including having a 'real' wedding in a Catholic church (after they'd been married 25 years) because their original wedding had been at City Hall.

These parents were initially thrilled about the engagement until the bride and groom said they would be having the wedding at a campground, not in a Catholic church. They put a lot of pressure on the couple to change their minds, but they didn't budge. The father eventually said he would not be attending and refused to let the groom's younger brother be the ring bearer.

The mom, however, said she would go, even if she didn't agree with it. When we got to the campground, all arrangements were made with the idea that the groom's mother would be there, including who would walk her to her seat, where she'd sit at the reception.

There's no cell reception at this campground and the only phone line is at the camp office. About an hour before the wedding, the phone rang endlessly until one of the groomsmen was able to reach it, and heard the groom's dad say: 'Put [the groom] on the phone.'

The groom answered, and his father said: 'Your mother will not be attending your wedding because this is an abomination. [click]'

I was with the bride when she found out about this. She was bawling angry, rage-filled tears until about ten minutes before the wedding was supposed to start."

The Worst Planned Wedding In History

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The Worst Planned Wedding In History

"My wife's aunt and uncle were in an extreme right-wing Baptist church; we knew that going in. Their daughter was getting married at her grandparents' church and flying in from Alaska with her new husband. They were rushed into getting married earlier when they were dating and being typical 20-year-old adults.

When we got there, the sign on the church bus and church wall said: 'Convert the lost, no matter the cost.' Inside there was an extensive Lou Dobbs library and pamphlets about family, weapons, and the coming apocalypse. In this part of the country, AC is only needed three weeks out of the year, and services were in the mornings so they didn't even have fans. This was early August, the afternoon after a service, and in a heatwave. If that wasn't hot enough, they were preparing a dinner in the basement: lasagna from scratch baked in ovens. Even with the doors and windows open, there was no crosswind. The church quickly filled up with people dressed in their Sunday/wedding best. To make it worse, the pews were heavy chairs that linked together and were covered with fabric. People were soaked in sweat and it was already to the point where the old folks were getting special attention before the service started.

The minister made it a sermon. He talked about how the woman was just a rib for the man. He had an attempt to make it seem poetic by saying she was 'being protected under the man's arm,' but she was just 'a part of him.' He got to make decisions. We started to realize that this was a signal to the bride to not be uppity because the groom had decision-making problems and despite that, she was there to serve him. It was a long lecture on her role, and serve and obey were used again and again. Then the minister pronounced them bride and groom.

We were ushered outside into the sun. We were to all blow bubbles at the bride and groom while they stood on the steps. The bubble blowers and solution didn't work at all and keeping people corralled in the direct sun for 20 minutes while there was an attempt to get a picture of them with bubbles wasn't happening. People wanted to get out of there and out of the heat. There was a park with trees just beyond the parking lot, but instead, everyone was ushered back into the increasingly hot church. The pews were put in circles around tables and once there, it was a fire trap and extremely hard to get out. The tables had a centerpiece of a plastic boot. Why? Turns out the bride had described a fairy tale wedding and with the budget of $0, they found plastic boots to stand in for glass slippers.

Food was served, hot and filling lasagna that was hard to pass around because the chairs and tables prohibited movement. The family started making speeches and telling stories. These were people that should never be given a microphone, but once armed they are ready to talk. We heard stories about how the groom had a tough time growing up, but, bless him, he tried hard. We started to get the impression he was special needs. The bride always had issues with her weight and there were stories about her eating a whole pie when she was six or how hard it was to buy clothes for her. She bawled through the entire service.

Then the father of the bride told how the bride and groom met. This guy was an oaf on the best of times, but his telling of the story was so cringy I will try to do it service:

He told how the hospital his wife and daughter worked at was attacked by a disgruntled ex-employee. The guy went through the hospital, randomly shooting people. My uncle told about how one doctor played possum after being shot in the head and then crawling off to call the police and his own wife saving herself by locking herself in an office. He gave details and coroners reports, permanent injuries that survivors sustained. He wasn't there, but he told it like it was the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Then at the end of his animated and energized story, he tacked on that the groom was hired as extra security by the hospital and that was how the bride and groom met.

With a little freedom, most of the procession hit a convenience store before the reception to stock up on drinks because people were dehydrated. They were so adamant that no drinks be served that they didn't even have punch or sodas. The reception was somehow worse than the wedding location. It was at a bomb shelter with one entrance. To get in, you had to pass the mother of the bride's family, who were singing karaoke on a single amp. You were forced to brush past whoever had the mic belting out bible songs that sounded identical to get to the main room. Once there, people milled around unable to talk because of the monotone broadcast until they got up the nerve to brush past the singer and go back out into the direct sun. Repeat until we had made enough of an appearance and got out of there."

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