How Did They Think This Was A Good Idea?
How Did They Think This Was A Good Idea?

<<< "This woman got into a fight with her husband, took out her weapon, and fired into the ground to 'teach him a lesson.' She shot herself in the foot."--

<<< "This was when I was working in an emergency room at a rural hospital. We had a man come in with the broken off end of an adjustable wrench stuck on his member. We ended up having to use bolt cutters to remove it. Bolt cutters are not the most delicate instruments. Needless to say, his member was chewed up pretty good by the time we removed it. I hope he learned his lesson."--

<<< "Man came in with a rubber band doubled around one finger. The finger was blue. Another doctor and I just looked at the finger, then looked at him. The unspoken question (which was never answered) was 'why?' But the thing that really bothered me then and to this day was, 'when it started hurting, why didn't you take the rubber band off?'"--

<<< "Woman couldn't afford an IUD but wanted to have a similar type of birth control so she figured if she used super glue it would do the trick. So she came in with severe burning to her cervix. Yep. Super glued cervix. Yep."--

<<< "I had a patient come in who had been painting his shed and some paint splashed into his eye. He washed it with water, then with turpentine, and thinner. Yes, he flushed his eye with turpentine and thinner, to get all the paint out."--

<<< "A guy who came in fell into poison ivy bush. Decided to take the whole bottle of Benadryl to help his symptoms. He ended staying in the ICU for about four days hallucinating."--

<<< "I had a guy do a urine sample for a simple test. He went to the bathroom for about 10 minutes. When he came out he handed me the tube, low and behold he somehow shoved feces into the tube instead of urine."--

He Tried To Impress The Ladies, And Ended Up In An Ambulance

WAYHOME studio/Shutterstock

He Tried To Impress The Ladies, And Ended Up In An Ambulance

<<< "I'm a paramedic. A few months ago, a man decided to impress a group of women by jumping from the first floor of a building onto a group of umbrellas set up for an alfresco dining area on the street below.

He actually told us he intended to bounce from one to the next. He went straight through the first umbrella and shattered the bones in both his lower legs. This was a man in his 40s.

I actually asked him, 'You're in your 40s and you're still using silly playground tricks to impress chicks?' He at least had the sense to look embarrassed. I then asked him, 'So what happened to the women?'

He responded, 'Oh, they just laughed at me while looking over the edge.'"

How Can People Be This Dense?

Pop Paul-Catalin/Shutterstock

How Can People Be This Dense?

<<< "I was doing clinicals on the Cardiology ward when we had a patient come in after a heart attack. He had the heart attack while fooling around with his wife. While in post-op care, his wife came to visit, and lo and behold decided to get freaky in the bathroom, while he still had his heart monitor on. Proceeded to have another heart attack."--

<<< "A lady comes in with vaginal complaints of pain and odor, as a nurse kinda just assumes, 'Ok, STD, no problem.' But no. This lady had actually placed a potato inside herself because she thought it would prevent pregnancy. Not only was it rotting because it had been in there close to a month but it was sprouting. Worst. Case. Ever."--

<<< "My brother was transporting this guy in his ambulance. The patient worked with rare earth magnets, and while he was fooling around with his wife, she put them on his man part for some reason. Cue hundreds of pounds of magnetic force literally squeezing this guy's member as thin as a sheet of paper. Really an unfortunate situation. He ended up losing it."--

<<< "My husband has lots of stories from the emergency room, but the one he tells the most are the people coming in with colds. They will save their used tissues to show him their snot and shout, 'Is this normal?'"--

<<< "I work at a hospital and once a patient complained was that she had Seasonal Diabetes."--

<<< "A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby's bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn't be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, 'Oh that isn't chocolate milk. It's coffee! He just loves it!'"--

<<< "I was translating at a medical clinic once. A father brought in his 20-year-old son, convinced he had early signs of diabetes because his hair was greasy. After convincing the doctor that's what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try a different shampoo."

How Did These Doctors Keep A Straight Face?

Sebastian Gauert/Shutterstock

How Did These Doctors Keep A Straight Face?

<<< "My mother was a doctor. One time someone came to her worried that there was a bump on his wrist. It was the joint."--

<<< "Had a friend diagnosed with diabetes and once his doctor advised him to proceed immediately to the emergency room (not sure why; they let him drive). He stopped at McDonald's on the way."--

<<< "I work as a receptionist/office assistant at a large clinic, so I'm obviously not a doctor but I do deal with a lot of patients. Once, a lady came in wanting to know if our clinic would do a 'purity test,' as in, testing to see if someone had been abstinent. It took me way too long to explain it's not a real thing."--

<<< "I had a woman who refused to be discharged as she 'couldn't keep any food or drink down.' Her room was filled to the brink with sweets crisps and fizzy drinks. I asked her to show me the vomit. She produced a sick bowl she had filled with spit. I pH tested this in front of her (contents of the stomach are acidic). Of course, pH was normal. She then stuck her fingers down her throat and physically forced herself to repeatedly gag and vomit. In front of me.

Next day I returned and said she had blood in her urine. She'd filled a sample pot with red juice. It literally smelled of fruit. My boss discharged her that afternoon. She was back within a week, I think."--

<<< "I'm a medical student and had a conversation like this on the respiratory ward:

Me: 'Are you a smoker?' No.

'Have you ever smoked?' Yes.

'How long were you smoking for?' 50 years.

'When did you give up?' Two days ago."--

<<< "My girlfriend is a nurse. She had a diabetic patient who had circulation problems and decided to cut off his own foot instead of receiving treatment. He was treating it with sterile maggots for about two years before infection killed him."

They Did WHAT?
They Did WHAT?

<<< "My aunt is an emergency room surgeon and has told this story a couple of times - a woman who had recently had a gender change came in at around 3 a.m. with her prosthetic chest on her back- apparently she had danced to vigorously and too soon after the surgery and they had become detached, resulting in them jiggling all the way round to her back."--

<<< "I was a military medic. I had this Marine come in with a big hole in his left foot. And as I'm asking him what were you doing at the time and how did it happen. He replied, 'I was at the range and I wanted to see if my steel toe boots were bulletproof, I guess not, doc.'"--

<<< "I'm a 911 operator and EMT. I had someone call one night because his girlfriend burned herself with a pot of hot water. He told me it happened about 20 minutes prior to him calling and in the meantime, he had slathered on butter to cool the wound. Quite shocked at that. I said, 'oh no, sir, we do not put butter on burns!' And he was like, 'wait, is that bad?'"--

<<< "I was chopping wood while wearing flip-flops. I axed myself in the foot. This happened at my cottage, which was a 90-minute drive from a hospital. Luckily, I missed all the important bits and just needed 20-something stitches. The emergency doctor tells me they have a word for people like me. 'Citiot.' An idiot from the city. I was not offended."--

<<< "My sister worked as a pharmacy tech while in college. She said an older lady had called to ask her if she could get different capsules than the ones prescribed because they were so unsavory, she could barely take them. My sister checked to see what she was taking and it was suppositories. She was eating them."--

<<< "I'm a surgeon, but when I was an intern we did a month in the emergency room. A prisoner came in with abdominal pain. Got an x-ray of his abdomen and he had a cell phone in his rectum. Confronted him with this finding and he flat out refused it. The guard with him was amused. So I showed him the film and you could see the circuitry and everything. I really wanted the number on his butt phone to drive the point home."--

<<< "A guy came in with weeping sores all over his body. He started with extensive rashes from poison ivy, but instead of doing something not-insane for it, he got in a bathtub full of bleach and scraped his skin with a pumice stone. Apparently, it felt good on the poison ivy rashes at the time."

Smoothies Are Not The Same As Milkshakes, Sylvia


Smoothies Are Not The Same As Milkshakes, Sylvia

<<< "I had a patient who was coming back post lap band for a checkup. What we usually do is revise the patient's weight and 'tighten' the band or 'loosen' it as needed.

Getting lap band isn't as easy as just throwing down some money. For six months, the patient must meet with a psychiatrist and a dietitian to understand what they're getting into and if they can adjust their lifestyles and commit. A goal weight loss target is usually set for the end of the six months to ensure the patient is serious. So after all of this rigorous evaluation, a patient is deemed fit for an operation.

Enter my patient 'Sylvia'. I checked her chart to see that her BMI before surgery was 40, she was morbidly obese, and now had come in for her first follow up to ascertain if she'd lost any weight. Well, I put her on the scale, calculate, and what do I see? Her BMI was now 45. Perplexed, I asked her to explain her diet to me.

Sylvia: 'Well I've been doing a liquid diet just like you all said.'

Me: 'Very good! Can you maybe what you have?'

Sylvia: 'I make smoothies and have them whenever I feel hungry.'

Me: 'So what do you put in your smoothies?'

Sylvia: 'Cake and ice cream.'

Yup. She was serious. Somehow it didn't occur to her that this wouldn't be healthy. We reversed her band."

Tales From A 20-Year Career


Tales From A 20-Year Career

<<< "I was a nurse for 20 years.

We had the kid that swallowed a jar of $1 and $2 coins on a dare. We had to cut him open to get them out - they made a nice little roadblock in his stomach and nothing could pass through. Pulled $227 out of him.

Things in 'man parts': a coaxial cable that knotted up inside the bladder and had to be operated on to get it out. A (formerly) live, legless lizard. A frequent flyer that put razor blades up there and occasionally tried to cut it off. A six-inch nail.

Things in butts: TV remote. Bottles. Fruit and vegetables. Adult toys. A Bowie knife. Porcelain transformer from a power pole. Rapid set plaster of Paris (that one was fun). And my favorite - an inverted glass with a fishing float wedged in it. We got the float out, but the glass gave us trouble. We tried to get it out the way it went in, no luck - a vacuum had built up behind it. The rim of the glass broke. We ended up having two docs in his belly, one in his bum. It was like delivering a baby. Guy ended up with a colostomy.

The Monday morning emergency theatre was usually full of jerks with broken jaws from their weekend punch-ups. One outdid most of them though. He punched first with a glass beer bottle in his hand, the other guy punched back. Our hero had both a broken jaw and severed tendons and nerves in his hand.

The Mower Man: a man mangled both his hands by holding a lawn mower up by its base and using it to trim a hedge. Blades got him. He said he'd come home, seen the neighbor doing it and thought it was a good idea. Yeah, in the room next to us was his neighbor being treated for the exact same injuries."

It's Important To LISTEN To Your Doctor
It's Important To LISTEN To Your Doctor

<<< "I worked as a dietary aide in a very large hospital for a number of years.

I was covering a coworker's vacation on her usual floor, Cardiology, which meant dealing with a lot of overweight people who refuse to admit that their weight had anything to do with their heart problems. My job was to help them tailor their diets to whatever their condition was.

A large man had just had a triple bypass, was probably around 300 lbs and refused to cut his sodium intake. We don't even allow salt or any semblance of salt in that unit, and yet he had his family bring him in chips and even a salt shaker. One day when his family was visiting (they brought him KFC), I took this as my opportunity to sit them all down and tell them, 'Hey. Stop giving him salt. You're going to kill him.' They took this as an opportunity to berate me for fat shaming their dad/husband and screamed that they were going to write to the president of the hospital.

He was discharged, and around a month later he popped up on my normal floor: Palliative care."

But Honestly, What Were They Thinking?

Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

But Honestly, What Were They Thinking?

<<< "Patient came in complaining of tachycardia (fast heart rate), heart palpitations, diarrhea, and a whole slew of cardiac symptoms. We do a workup, notice something funky in his blood work, and ask him about how much coffee he's had today. 'About 11 cups,' he answered. It was 2 p.m. The guy had 11 cups of coffee in about six hours. No wonder your heart is fast. Gave him water, discharged two hours later."--

<<< "I had a patient come in whom got wasted, swung his ax the wrong way, and axed himself in the face. The dude was lucky all he did was break some teeth and his nose. He missed anything major like his eyes or brain.

He had 42 stitches from his eyebrow to bottom of his chin. Still completely wasted the whole time, he kept asking me for things and mumbling about his mom was going to kill him. I told him when he sobered up, he's probably going to be madder at himself then worried about his mother. He was a handsome kid, or he probably was before he looked like Dr. Frankenstein's monster and his face ballooned."--

<<< "My cousin was an EMT and her favorite story happened back in the late '80s. This guy got into a bar fight and got stabbed in the butt cheek. My cousin was trying to get him to pull his pants down to treat the wound but he kept refusing. When the guy finally agreed, he embarrassingly pulled an actual salami out of the front of his pants and set it down before getting treated."--

<<< "A pregnant girl once came into the emergency room because she fell off a skateboard. She broke her femur."--

<<< "I'm a dietician and some years ago I had to go to the emergency room (my usual floor is Oncology ) to check on this patient (a 14-year-old girl) of mine. She had been discharged a few days ago with a feeding tube but was back with lots of pain and whatnot. Apparently, the mother thought it'd be ok to give her daughter some blended beef via the feeding tube because 'she needs to eat' to 'get better' despite we had warned her plenty of times before discharge that her kid could ONLY have the special formula we had prescribed. Mom of the year."

She Caused A Huge Scene


She Caused A Huge Scene

<<< "I work in a doctor's office as a medical office assistant. Specifically pediatrics.

A secretary buzzes back to me that there's a call on line two that needs medical advice. I pick it up and one of our patient's mother is on the phone having a panic attack. She is hyperventilating into the phone. I asked her if she was alright, thinking maybe she needed an ambulance, and through her breaths and tears, she starts telling me that she thinks her 4-year-old son has a skull fracture.

I ask if he fell. No.

I ask if he's conscious. Yes.

I ask if he's breathing. Yes.

I ask if he is bleeding from his ears, eyes, nose, mouth, scalp. No.

I ask if there is any visible wound. No.

I ask why she thinks he fractured his skull. Because underneath his eyes is red and puffy and Google says that's a skull fracture.

I tell her to go to the hospital for proper assessment (we don't do MRIs, X-rays, CT Scans). She doesn't want to. She says she was supposed to take her kids to the beach. Mind you, she is still crying and breathing heavy at this point. I tell her to come right over then but warned her we would probably have to send her to the emergency room.

She shows up 15 minutes later, cradling the child, and crying. The little boy was crying too and screaming, 'I don't want to die Mommy!' She kept hushing him and saying, 'Mommy loves her strong boy, no matter what!' Which only made him cry harder.

I pull her back into the room and she just dissolves as she tells me how she looked at him in horror this morning and saw the guarantee signs of a skull fracture. She swears he must have hit his head yesterday at swim practice.

The little boy is crying hard but I can see the noticeable swelling and pinkness under the eyes that she was referring too. I went to get the doctor and told her what I thought. She went in, came out about 10 minutes later shaking her head. She had the same diagnosis.

You know when you wipe your eyes after swimming, you usually wipe under your eye too? The kid must have wiped off his sunscreen around his eyes the day before. All the pinkness and puffiness was a mild sunburn under his eyes."

"Don't Worry, The Poisonous Snake Is In Its Cage"

<<< "I worked as a 911 call taker for a while.

I get a call from a woman who said her friend's son sent her a picture of her 19-year-old kid with a snake bite. She's not there with him but is on the way. I get his number and call him. 'Hi, I'm from emergency services, I got a call that you were bitten by a snake. What happened?'

The dude was bitten on the hand by a rattlesnake the day before. Not unusual. Rattlesnakes are common in this neck of the woods and people like to pick them up for some stupid reason. I start getting an ambulance rolling his way and ask about his condition. His hand is black and blue and swollen. It hurts, but he hasn't really done anything about it. He's at home watching tv.

Scene safety is drilled into us from the get-go. Even though it's been 24 hours since the bite, I ask if he knows where the snake is. In her tank of course -- silly me. Who doesn't have a freaking pet venomous snake? Before I could get farther into that line of questioning, the ambulance pulls up so I let them deal with it.

I monitor the call for the next few hours. Super unusual to have a call like that go on for so long. Usually, they pick him up and take him to the hospital. Not long after the bus gets there, police are called out. Apparently, this idiot was trying to commit suicide by snake bite. I say 'idiot' because it can kill you and it's going to hurt the entire time you're dying."

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