It's Not Me, It's You


It's Not Me, It's You

1) "I left after the girl got a phone call from her husband in the middle of our date." --

2) "She brought her mother. I didn't know at first, but she kept looking at this woman at the bar. I finally said something because they were making gestures to each other. They were trying to be subtle, but after I figured it out, it was pretty obvious. First she said it was just someone she knew, but after mom kept giving her the 'look,' I knew it was more. I finally got her to admit she brings her mom to a lot of dates so she could get her mom's opinion later. I left when we were waiting for dessert. Figured mom could cover dinner." --

3) "A 19-year-old told me he'd thought I was 15 when he agreed to go out with me." --

4) "The classic 'she wouldn't put her phone down' thing. She looked at me maybe once and the only thing she added to the conversation was, 'Yeah. Uh-huh. Nope. Oh.' I sat there for about 20 minutes, just long enough to finish my food. Set enough money down to cover the tip and my meal, then just got up and walked out. She didn't even notice until I was in my car. She blew my phone up trying to get me to come back. I eventually had to block her number." --

5) "He picked me up. The first thing he said to me was, 'You really don't look good. Can you go change?' I said, 'Sure,' and went back inside, took off my makeup, put on my pajamas, and got out the take-out menus. A few minutes later, he came knocking at the door and seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't want to continue the evening with him." --

6) "I had to leave in the middle of a date once because the dude just started being so freaking creepy. He started out relatively normal, but after a couple drinks he said, 'You're so beautiful. You're like a china doll.' A little weird, but I thanked him and moved on. The next 'compliment,' however, was something along the lines of, 'I could just keep you in a cage in my living room,' which progressed to, 'You're so beautiful I just want to beat the crap out of you, but in a good way, ya know?' I had two of my bigger, male friends come and escort me away from that date." --

7) "She was showing me wedding venues. I then excused myself to the bathroom with my coat on." --

Totally Incompatible

Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock

Totally Incompatible

8) "I once had a girl get a number from a guy when we were on a date. I didn't even give her five minutes. I asked, 'Did you really just get another guy's number right now?' Her reply, 'Uh, well, we aren't exclusive and this is our first time out, what is the big deal?' I immediately turned to the bartender. He had heard us talking and was already on his way to the register before I could finish asking for my tab." --

9) "He said, 'It's so cool that you drink whiskey straight, my girlfriend won't drink it at all.' It was our third date and I did not know he had a girlfriend." --

10) "I was on a date and when I went to the toilet, I got a text from her saying, 'I don't think I really like this guy and he's fatter than in his picture.' I came out from the toilet, grabbed my jacket, said, 'You texted the wrong person,' and left." --

11) "I met a guy on a dating site a couple years ago, and we met up for a date in a pretty nice restaurant near my house. About 30 minutes into dinner, I dropped my napkin on the floor, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed he had his manhood out and in his hand. He was just sitting there, with his junk in his hand under the table, talking to me like everything was normal. When I sat back up, I threw a $50 on the table and left. Didn't respond to his texts after." --

12) "He said, 'Watch this,' then jangled change at a homeless person and laughed. I left very quickly." --

13) "It was at the beginning of the date actually. He picked me up, I got in the car and he passed me a breathalyzer. He said, 'I had some wine while I was waiting for you to come out, can you blow on this so I can start the car?" I noped the heck outta there. Oh, adventures in online dating." --

14) "I had been out with a guy a couple of times and he invited me over for a movie date. First time I had ever seen him in shorts. Saw the Nazi tattoo that he had given himself on his leg. No thanks. I left." --

15) "We were already dating, but I thought it would be nice to take her for a meal one evening. She walked in, followed by her sister, then her best friend. And their respective boyfriends, all of whom had no money. She got upset when I said I didn't have enough money to feed six when a meal for two would have set me back $40 or more, so I left. She sent me a text on my way home saying we were over, I didn't bother replying. To this day, I have no idea why she thought it was socially acceptable to bring four more people to our date without telling me first." --

16) "When her opening line was: 'It's such a shame they let so many black kids in this year,' in response to me bringing up a certain college. Some say I really know how to pick 'em." --

Better To Quit While You're Ahead

Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock

Better To Quit While You're Ahead

17) "Definitely had to be the moment when she said, 'My ex-cheated on me, so I chased him out of the house with a big knife. If he didn't get away, I probably would've ended up killing him, haha.'" --

18) "I went to get coffee to test the waters with someone new. First thing he did was ask me to turn around and lift my shirt so he can see my butt. I got up, turned around and walked out the door." --

19) "She wasn't over her ex. A week after first meeting her, I picked her up for our first real date. The entire drive to the restaurant was her pointing out locations that she and her ex used to frequent all the time and how she loved going there with him. It was all, 'Oh, there's the park me and Mike used to go to and do blah, blah, blah,' 'Oh, there's the hamburger place me and Mike used to always go to,' 'Oh, that's the movie theatre me and Mike always went too,' 'That's the Best Buy that me and Mike got our TV from.' It was pretty bad. While at dinner, she called me her ex's name. The first time I let it slide; the second time, I corrected her; the third through sixth time, I again reminded her that Mike was not my name. The last time she did it, I excused myself to go the bathroom and walked out. She called me about 15 minutes later, I picked up the phone, said, 'Sorry, Mike's not here,' and hung up. Never heard from her again." --

20) "It was a blind date. He sat down at the table and the first thing out of his mouth was 'Excuse the smell, but I haven't bathed in the last week.' End of Story." --

21) "Girl shows up an hour late. She spends the first 15 minutes talking about a 'really hot' 15-year-old guy she knows and wants my opinion on whether she should mess around with him. We are both in our mid-twenties. She then started chatting on her phone for 15 minutes. I got up and left without saying a word. Never spoken to her since. I now no longer wait for an hour for people to show up." --

22) "This was ten or so years ago. A cute girl I sorta worked with asked me out to dinner. Halfway through she said, 'I brought you a gift,' and pulled out a Book of Mormon. She came to convert, not for a date. So I excused myself for a moment, walked up to the bar and told the bartender what's going down. He bought me a shot and walked me through the back door." --

23) "I left when I realized this guy was filming my cleavage on his iPhone at our lunch date. I was just wearing a simple V-neck t shirt, in case you were wondering." --

24) "She told me about her three STDs and how she tried to get pregnant with some guy without him knowing. She told me this on the first date." --

25) "It was our third date. On our walk to dinner, he directly asked if I 'would be interested in losing weight' because he was sexually attracted to 'the physique of tall and very thin models.' He even recommended several books and diet plans during this talk. So very nice of him. I am 5'2", 120lbs. Apparently, I need to buy one of those medieval stretching machines while I am at it. I kindly excused myself to the train before we got to the restaurant. I have since gotten about 10 emails apologizing and telling me about his daddy issues. I have ignored all. Wow. Just wow." --

26) "He told me he wanted to have as many children possible with as many women as he could." --

When It's Not Right, You Can Feel It Right Away


When It's Not Right, You Can Feel It Right Away

27) "He scraped the bottom of his low-to-the-ground car on my driveway. He took it (and me) straight to a mechanic to look at the damage. He told me that if it was a quick fix, he would only make me pay half. I said, 'My brother is a mechanic, let me go call him.' Left and called for a ride. Forget that." --

28) "This was a third date, he was a nice enough guy, an editor at the local newspaper. We were at his house and he made me dinner, when he suddenly dropped, in normal conversation, that his fetish is getting busy with girls who are unconscious. I immediately stopped eating, stopped drinking, and made my exit. I did not get roofied but man, was I scared that it was in the cards for that night." --

29) "I told her I was color blind, she recoiled and said it was 'gross' and sat there looking at me like I had the plague or something. I just sort of got up and left. It was really odd." --

30) "Guy from OkCupid a few years back. He took me to a 5 star restaurant, I tried to stick to the middle of the road drinks/food as it was a first date. Dinner went really well, so we decide to go for post-dinner drinks. I got to the point where I felt like I should stop drinking since it's a first date and I wasn't really ready for him to see me trashed. He ordered me another drink and then invited me over to his house because his wife was out of town. Date over." --

31) "Met a girl online, she showed up for our first date drunk, with her drunk friend. And her 1-month-old son that she had forgotten to mention. The baby was sober, I think. I excused myself to the restroom and ran like my rear was on fire." --

32) "It was an OkCupid date and we met for coffee after talking awhile. He had a sour look on his face when I got there, so I wasn't expecting too much. When our coffee came out, he said, 'I'm glad you didn't ask me to pay for that, because I don't think you should be drinking something with that many calories.' I'm a fat person, but he was way fatter than me, so I thought he was being self-deprecating. I was prepared to roll my eyes and let it go, but then he ranted for about 15 minutes about how women were getting too fat and how they should be pressured to lose more weight. Eventually, I stopped him with a, 'You saw my picture! Why did you even agree to coffee?' His answer was, 'I was hoping you had lost weight since the picture was taken because no one would put themselves on a dating app in that condition.'" --

33) "I took a girl to dinner once, I showed up and got our table. She showed up with her toddler. She didn't tell me about the kid and even said she didn't have any when I asked. She told me if I was gonna take her out, little Billy had to join us, too, as he is the only man that she respects. I turned and walked out while she yelled." --

34) "I went on a mall date with a girl in high school, but she brought her friend. They were quite immature together and fed off each other's childishness. At one point they simply ran off and yelled, 'CATCH US!' I went and got Burger King instead." --

35) "He was awful to the waitress, went out of his way to be a jerk when she did nothing wrong other than be busy with other tables. He also would not shut up about how amazing he was. I said screw this, thank you for the invite, apologized/tipped the waitress and left." --

36) "Halfway through this date I had in high school, I was extremely gassy and trying so hard to keep my composure. If I didn't let one out, I would be miserable the entire date. Well, I definitely should have held it in as the gas was far better than the outcome. I basically sharted on my way to the bathroom. I stopped mid-step, turned around, put money on the table and left in a hurry with my cheeks clinched and a very baffled date behind me. Let's just say we never went out again." --

37) "Tinder date. He did not look much like his pics, was not interesting at all, I had to carry the conversation and he kept looking at me in this weird way. It was as though he was imagining skinning me, then having his way with the skin as he screamed out his mother's name with his ferrets watching. I ended the date prematurely because 'my housemate got tickets for this thing.' Luckily, I had a stroke of genius at the start of the date and mentioned I couldn't stay long, so it was only fairly obvious instead of blatant." -

If This Is Them At Their Best, You'd Hate To See Them At Their Worst!

Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock

If This Is Them At Their Best, You'd Hate To See Them At Their Worst!

38) "Went out on a blind date to dinner and a movie. Dinner was okay, conversation a bit stagnate, but I thought he was just a bit nervous. However, during the movie he kept falling asleep and snoring LOUDLY. The first couple of times I just nudged him and he woke up. The next time I actually grabbed his arm and then whispered, 'You're falling asleep and snoring very loudly, would you like to leave?' He declined. The next time he fell asleep I just grabbed my bag and left. I figured someone else could wake him up at the end of the movie." --

39) "He was 45 minutes late, got mad that another guy had started chatting me up at the bar while I waited, then proceeded to tell me about the hidden satanic messages in the opening ceremony of the Olympics." --

40) "He walked like 10 ft ahead of me. I asked him to wait for me as I'm 5 ft 2 and he was a 6 footer. He told me that I should just 'move faster.' I just stopped and headed back to the car. He didn't even notice for a while." --

41) "We met online. She brought her sister on our first date. She never spoke and all her sister did was drill me about 'my plans' and 'my intentions.' After ordering, she said, 'I hope you're planning on paying. That's what a real man would do on a first date.' So I said, 'True, but this wasn't a date, it was a job interview.' I dropped my half in cash and walked out. I drove us there. Never heard from them again." --

42) "Friend set me up on a blind date with her friend who she said would be 'perfect for me.' I showed up, and he was literally not even boob-height. As a 6'4" girl, I'm used to getting hit on by really short guys, and the height difference doesn't really bother me that much. The problem was, he had a tall fetish. Like, a HUGE tall fetish. I lasted all of 30 minutes of him constantly talking about my legs until he flat out told me that he wanted to tie me to a bed and a number of other extremely explicit things. I just grabbed my purse and left without a word. He left me 20 voicemails apologizing, and my friend claimed she had no idea he was like that, but that was the first and last time I ever let someone try and set me up." --

43) "It was an online date. She has sent me several pictures, all of which are of an extremely attractive young lady. I was hesitant, but after a few emails I was convinced that she was actually who she claimed to be. She was a little over the top flirtatious, but honestly, I was pretty lonely at this point and didn't mind. I arrived at the bar, and holy crap, she was super hot. We had a few beers, she laughed at all of my jokes, and it seemed like she was into me more than I was into her. She asked if I was ready to leave the bar and spend some alone time with her. Wow, she must really be into me, I thought. I'd never seen a chick move that fast. She stood up, grabbed my hand, and all of a sudden her face took a very serious business-like expression. She said, 'Here's the deal, it's $150 if you want to do it in my mouth, or $200 for a full service half hour.'" --

44) "I went on a date with a guy I had just met. We sat down in a coffee shop to just chat. He lectured me on why I shouldn't use Chapstick because I could 'just drink more water.' Even if you're right, that's beyond annoying. He then proceeded to spend the whole date scrolling through his phone showing me break-up texts from his recent ex girlfriend. From what I gathered, they dated for like two weeks. I was so fed up with him that when we left the coffee shop and were heading to a movie, I said I needed to go home because I was still getting over my cold. A couple days later, I met up with him and just let him know that I wasn't feeling it and he was gracious enough." --

45) "He was a bit old for me, but I thought I'd give him a chance. He was super funny and pictures seemed cute. He showed up in a fanny pack, told me about how he hated his life and had just been fired from his job at Hot Topic, and told me about his dream to trap unintelligent people in a mystery mansion-style house. I finished my drink and told him that this wasn't working. Laugh cried my way home in disbelief." --

46) "A very nice guy asked me out on a date. He was 6'7" and, being a tall girl who doesn't meet many tall guys, I thought I'd give him a chance. He was pretty shy, so in an effort to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite food was. He responded with 'What's between your legs.' I even gave him a chance to change his answer before I had my friend come rescue me." --

47) "We were playing Soul Calibur II at an arcade and I was beating him, so he got up, leaned over and started bashing my keys, which wound up killing me. I took my Icee and left." --

48) "I walked out when she called the waiter (who was Turkish) a 'dirty foreigner.'" --

49) "Honestly, he littered. No, I'm not some crazy environmentalist freak, but we were walking and he dropped garbage on the ground. So, I left. I think it's incredibly ignorant and lazy to just throw your crap on the ground." --

50) "I was set up by a friend on a blind date. Got to the place, the person was pretty easy on the eyes. We started talking and we were hitting it off, then they dropped the following: 'You're so well spoken and educated for a Hispanic.' I walked out of there so fast, it was as if my mom was chasing me with a machine gun that fired chanclas." --

51) "We went to see X-Men 2. She brought a laser pointer and pointed it at the screen. I told her to stop, she did it one more time. I got up and had her removed by an usher. I don't know how she got home." --

52) "Went on two dates with a guy. On the second, he implied that I was a 'sure thing' like 'all the other girls he had hooked up with that month.' I said, 'Yeah...I'm gonna go, please don't walk me out.' I went to Sonic afterward. Overall a pretty decent night." --

53) "This random guy asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. He wasn't my type, but why not give him a chance? He seemed nice enough. On our date, he told me how his wife beat him with a vacuum cleaner and took the kids. He then went on and on about how she's a lesbian now. Just when I thought he was done sharing details that are too much for a first date, the war stories started." --

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