Next time you really have to go, do us all a favor and don't wait too long like these poor souls.

An Experience They'll Never Forget
An Experience They'll Never Forget

"I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was traveling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn't sh_t in a week. I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of ass-clenching and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom. Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting. I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper. Well what do you know, there wasn't any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own ass wiping device, and I hadn't known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some ass-communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap. Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like sh_t, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal. After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water. By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided 'f_ck it' and opened the door to go outside... And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of sh_t soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids. Never felt so guilty and disgusted before... but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food." (Source)

Clever Idea, But Poor Execution
Clever Idea, But Poor Execution

"19 years old and staying at my Dad's house for the weekend. I had come down with a stomach bug and was on the toilet every 5 minutes all afternoon just pushing this horrible liquid mess out of me. At one point I run in and sit down quickly to let out whatever leviathan was next in line to escape my body, when I get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I WILL be throwing up soon. My mouth is watering, the back of my throat is dropping, and I'm searching for a proper receptacle. I find a small mesh garbage can, but I don't want to 'make a mess,' so I figure I'll jump off the toilet, turn around vomit into it, then jump back on and finish the shitting aspect. Pretty straightforward - so now I'm kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit. At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad's bathroom. I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion. I kind of just sit down and take it all in for a few minutes, but then realize I'm in the family's main bathroom and my parents and sibling are all eating dinner not more than 3 feet from where this happened. I hear a 'are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?' HAHA if only - so I spend the next two hours cleaning up everything with toilet paper. I didn't want to ruin towels or anything. I emerge 2 hours later with a spotless bathroom behind me, my Dad says 'damn son it really smells like crap in here'I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person..." (Source)

Pretty Big Detail To Leave Out, Don't Ya Think?
Pretty Big Detail To Leave Out, Don't Ya Think?

"I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young. I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something. Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home. He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week. I freaked out when I was mid sh*t and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass ( Yes black dick jokes are common when telling this story). I finished crapping but this thing wouldn't come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. I didn't tell anyone about it for years." (Source)

Poor Old Lady Is Right
Poor Old Lady Is Right

"This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul. I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. Haul ass to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate. I duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn't. I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell, and I determine its food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food.... I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my f_cking eyes out. The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a f_cking terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will sh_t myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over, because f_ck you for drinking for two straight days motherf_cker. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady's face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and Aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking sh_t. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare. I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare." (Source)

Drug Money Or Your Own Underwear? Tough Call
Drug Money Or Your Own Underwear? Tough Call

"Once in Italy I was absolutely desperate to use the bathroom. I walked all over the city for a public restroom, getting more and more antsy about it. You know the pins and needles, shivering kind of desperate? Yeah, that bad. Eventually, I turned a corner and saw the golden arches of McDonalds- I swear they were glowing and there were trumpets playing it was such a glorious sight. I sprinted up to the store and into the bathrooms, sat down to do my thing, then realized there was no toilet paper. I thought, no worry, I can just use receipts. Open my wallet- nope, I'd cleaned it out the day before. I sit there for a while trying to decide if I really want to wipe myself with a 50. In the end I decide not to because I heard that all euros have drugs on them. And I don't want to put any drugs down there. Finally after much deliberation, I decided there was only one thing for it -- I had to use my own underwear. Whipped them off, wiped clean, and disposed of them (in a bin, I didn't flush them) and strutted out of there right into a lingerie shop to buy a new pair." (Source)

If It's Hot Going In...
If It's Hot Going In...

"When I first moved to China, a group of really attractive Chinese girls that worked for our company decided to take me out to lunch before my first "welcome to x company induction" class that evening. I wanted to make a good impression and be like all cool and stuff. So we're at the restaurant, and they tell me that they're all originally from Sichuan province (known for its spicy food) and they ask if I like spicy food. Sure I say, the hotter the better. I'm really only trying to impress them, but I figure how hot can it be? So I tell them to order it as spicy as it can get, I love peppers!, i want to eat it like they do, and some other idiotic stuff. They're impressed and they order this meal that is literally coated in tiny shriveled dark red peppers. It was hot and it brought tears to my eyes, but I put on a good show and ate everything. A few hours later, I'm sitting in this orientation class, and my stomach rumbles and immediately I can feel the taste of the peppers in my mouth again and I feel like if a bathroom were present, I could make use of it. I look at the clock and see I still have 45 minutes and it would be insanely rude to get up and leave. So i just decide to wait and concentrate on the lecture. About 15 minutes later, I am UNCOMFORTABLE and squirming around. I pass a bit of gas quietly to help relieve the pressure and it felt someone lit a match on my bunghole and the smell was instantly suffocating. One of those omg, no warning, blitzkrieg on the nose, bury your face in your shirt and lynch the guy responsible types. Nobody figured out it was me but by this point i am in agony. I have 10 minutes to go and I'm almost sweating. My bunghole feels like Mount Doom and I'm afraid its going to start leaking sulphuric acid. Finally the class is dismissed and as professional as I can, hurry quickly to the mens room (which looked like this) As I rush in and begin to very loudly take care of business, my cell phone rings. This was back in the day when having ringtones were still cool. Mine at the time i had this painful incident? Ring of Fire. A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he's like 'yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.'" (Source)

Can You Imagine The Preacher's Face Come Sunday Morning?
Can You Imagine The Preacher's Face Come Sunday Morning?

"I was at my friends place hanging out all night when I was 17. We were just playing video games and eating junk food all night. I was half way home when I felt that unmistakable rumble in my stomach and knew that something was coming down the pipe. I had to act quick as to not sh*t my car, so I pulled into a church parking lot and made it no more than 3 steps before i had to pull down my pants and shit in the parking lot. used my underwear to wipe and left the whole mess right there. It was a Saturday and I may have ruined mass for several people." (Source)

Quick Thinking Got Him Out Of A Messy Situation, Literally
Quick Thinking Got Him Out Of A Messy Situation, Literally

"In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend's ex. I get to this dance and I'm trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down and tore ass, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me. I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy as...well, sh*t. Thankfully, I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night." (Source)

Such Colorful Commentary
Such Colorful Commentary

"Years and years ago when I was perhaps 14, my parents and I were driving from Ohio to Virginia to visit my uncle's family. It's not a super long drive, but it's long enough that if you're trying to get there on a deadline you might be holding your bodily functions for awhile. So anyways, we're approaching the town that they live in (can't remember the name) and all of a sudden I have to sht. And I mean sh**t**. Whatever was brewing in my aft end was about to turn small-town Virginia into the next Hiroshima if I didn't find a toilet fast. So here I am sitting in the back seat of our truck, clenching my cheeks together so hard that they're starting to go numb. I'm so terrified that if I relax those muscles I'm going to be wearing what I ate (8 to 10 hours ago). I voice my discomfort to my parents and ask how far away from the house we are and they tell me we're 'pretty close.' Fantastic. I'm also 'pretty close' to re-painting the interior of the truck a lovely shade of turd. Finally, we arrive at the house and I immediately grab my bags and make a bee line for the front door, expecting to get the pleasantries over with and take a long overdue Fus Ro Dump in their bathroom. I knock on the door. Nothing. I knock again and there's still nothing. None of us had cell phones at this point so we couldn't call my aunt or uncle to see what was going on. At this point, my usually blue eyes are starting to turn brown and I tell my parents that if I don't get to a toilet within the next 5 or 10 minutes my pants are going to be the setting for a fecal Holocaust. We decide to find a convenience store. I sit in absolute agony for what feels like several eternities before we find the place that I would lay my brown monstrosity to rest. I don't even know what the name of the place was. All I know is that I walked (read: waddled) in, looked to my right at the cashier, gave her a sheepish 'I'm sorry I'm about to kill you with my stench' look, and proceeded to the left where the bathroom was. I was in there spewing my frothy mess for a solid (heh) 20 minutes. And I'm not saying that I shat for a couple minutes and then sat recovering for the rest of the time; I mean sh*t was actually flying out of my asshole for 20 minutes." (Source)

Like A Trail Of Breadcrumbs
Like A Trail Of Breadcrumbs

"Mine is a pretty embarrassing story. I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I'm talking about urge I mean business, like if I had the choice to vomit it up, there would have been no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I'm running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it's f_cking closed because of maintenance. I couldn't believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn't say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn't stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn't hold myself and starting sh_tting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts. To this day, I still don't know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the sh*t." (Source)

Pretty Sure That's A Sin...
Pretty Sure That's A Sin...

"Several years ago I was in Israel and decided to drink some chocolate milk out of a bag (common there) and then proceed to go on this kayaking excursion. After a couple hours of kayaking in the hot sun, my stomach started hurting and essentially told me 'if you don't sh_t by choice, I'll rip that choice away from you.' Thankfully, we were almost to our destination, so I clenched my butt hole and stomached the pain (literally). When we finally got to our end point, I rush onshore in hopes of locating a restroom, but to my dismay there were none present, and we were going to bus back to our original starting location...f_ck. I stood around for a moment, then realized I couldn't wait anymore, and slyly started walking toward some bushes so I could let my bowels be free. On the way there, an explosion occurred within...the explosion was so strong that I couldn't even walk the 20 feet behind the bushes, so I jumped into the Jordan river, ripped off my bathing suit, and just shat everywhere. The sh*tting was so intense that I couldn't maintain my footing and was swept downriver along with my steaming pile of poop. I swam back (naked) to my peers, who were on the floor in fits of giggles." (Source)

The Guardian Poop Angel
The Guardian Poop Angel

"A few years back I became rather sick with some sort of stomach bug and was awoken in the middle of the night with the urge to vomit. I tiptoed to the bathroom, wearing only my boxers, and kneeled in front of the toilet just waiting. A while passes and I can't seem to throw up, but I have the urge to sneeze now. I sit a little while longer and finally I sneezed. But as I did this, my sphincter erupted with the world's soupiest sh_t ever. It sifted through my boxers and ran down my leg. I then threw up into the toilet I was leaning over, and in a matter of 60 seconds I had vacated some sort of matter from the majority of my orifices. I was feeling so sick at this point I couldn't move and just laid there for a few minutes. I then took a shower and went back to bed to deal with it in the morning. I woke up the next afternoon, after almost 11 hours of sleep (a lot for me since I usually only get 6ish) Walked to the bathroom to clean it up, and somehow it was as if it had never happened. The bathroom was spotless and the only thing different was the missing sh_t covered rug and my boxers. No one mentioned it, and to this day I am not sure who actually cleaned it up."(Source)

Too Bad This Guy's Business Was Everybody's Business In That Fateful Bathroom
Too Bad This Guy's Business Was Everybody's Business In That Fateful Bathroom

"I ate too much fried food in New Orleans once and had the misfortune of trying to find a bathroom on Bourbon St. I finally found an unoccupied one, but the door was jammed into a slightly open state. I found that unacceptable. 'Surely,' I thought, 'There must be a bathroom in this fine Quarter that affords me the privacy to drop my deuces in peace and relative cleanliness.' Au contraire. When it finally got to the point where I simply could not turn down a bathroom, the situation I found was as follows: A room the size of a closet with a trough for onesies, a small sink, and what may at some point have been a stall but was now merely a toilet sitting against the wall. God help me, I just had to deal with it. This is not where the story ends, for this was no mere drop and dash session. I remember two of my fellow pilgrims who came in to do their deeds while I was stuck on the throne. The first was a frat boy who glanced briefly at me, started cracking up, then said (with genuine empathy), 'Dude, that sucks.' The second was a muscular Eastern European man. He walked in, stopped at the sink, and stared at me for a second. He looked at my pants on the floor, then at the pained expression on my face. Then he said, softly, sternly, 'Your business is your business. My business is my business. Okay?' I nodded. Then he took out a baggy of coke, snorted some, gave me a curt nod, and walked out. Jesus, this all sounds so surreal as I'm typing it out. True story." (Source)

Sh*t Happens, Literally
Sh*t Happens, Literally

"About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment. I'm sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they're nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend's size-able penis. He's still sleeping pretty soundly and we're in the spooning position; I don't want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it...HUGE MISTAKE. My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his d_ck. The smell doesn't hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate... it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both sh_t and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets... it's just everywhere...We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever sh_t in front of someone before. I'm traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I've decided that I can never see him again. And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me "sh_t happens," then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him." (Source)

Cool As A Cucumber Is An Understatement
Cool As A Cucumber Is An Understatement

"When I was a freshman in college. I had this room mate/friend that was in my CHEM I lecture and test group. One beautiful summer afternoon, during our final exam, my friend ( who was sitting directly to my right) nudged my arm to get my attention, and lifted up half of his ass in order to perform a typical SBD anal pressure purge in my direction. Knowing the attack was coming, I shook my head and silently mouthed no. He on the other hand, smiled and nodded yes. I squeezed my eyes shut and prepared myself for not bursting into laughter after hearing that well known wispy 'puff' in this completely silent room. A second or two went by, but no puff. All of a sudden his ass let out the wettest, sloppiest, most disgusting noise I have ever heard, somewhere in the ballpark of giving Roseanne a tummy raspberry with mayo for lube. My friend, obviously surprised, popped up out of his seat a few inches in an attempt to slam his sphincter shut, but his efforts were futile. In that short few seconds, his anus had ejected a half gallon stream of fecal fluid into his cargo shorts. This is where it get gross...His sh_t literally rolled down his leg and into his shoes, and made a sizable puddle under his desk. Every student within a 12 desk radius erupted with laughter. Since we were in a room with 200 other people, the test proctors had no idea what had happened and just told everyone to be quiet. My friend finished his test calmly, got up and walked down the steps to the front of the lecture hall, (with his backside covered in sh_t) and walked out as cool as a cucumber. This story is a tribute to my friend, for the most epic boss moment ever." (Source)

Perfect Storm, Indeed
Perfect Storm, Indeed

"Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends. One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination. I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place. Sh*tting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation. I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm." (Source)

This Scene Deserves An Oscar
This Scene Deserves An Oscar

"This one happened to my brother. One Sunday he decided to walk 1 mile to a nearby White Castle and devour about 15 sliders. Brilliant idea. On his walk home he felt 'the rumble' and had to clench/tiptoe for the last half of the journey to his apartment. As he slid his key into his door, he completely lost it and let loose into his pants. Still in a rush (for some reason) he skittered into his bathroom and flung off his pants, catapulting sh_t everywhere - onto the walls, the ceiling, the shower curtain. Shocked, disgusted, and still tangled up in his pants he lost his footing, slipped in his sh_t, and toppled over onto the floor where he just gave up and released the rest of his bowels. To add insult to injury, he had to throw away his shoes. You know it's bad when you have to throw away your shoes." (Source)

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