"My wife's extended family is from the Deep South, I'm talking 'stop when you run over a squirrel and take it home, cuz that's good eatin' Deep South.
Couple of years ago, her cousin was getting married after getting knocked up by some neckbeard. She went to the wedding and during the ceremony the preacher did the whole, 'dearly beloved we are gathered, blah blah,' thing, then pulled out a bucket of rocks from beneath his robe. He then had every single wedding guest file past the couple and take a rock before returning to their seats. Then, he told the guests that they had the right to stone the bride, as she was impure and had been impregnated with a illegitimate child prior to being wed. He paused for a bit then, when nobody threw a rock at the bride, finished the ceremony" (Source)
"At my brother-in-law's wedding, the grandmother of the bride was asked to say grace before the meal. My father and I happened to be standing by the bar, getting one last drink before it closed during the meal. We figured we would stand there during the 30 seconds or so while she blessed the food.
She pulls out three pieces of paper, completely full front and back, and starts in on the history of the bride's family. Here is what so and so is doing now. When and where everyone has moved into their current homes. Updates on nieces, nephews, cousins parents, grandparent, everyone. No one knew she was going to get up there and talk for 15+ minutes about people nobody cared about.
My dad and I actually finished our drinks and ordered two more by the time she was done. I refer to it as 'The Three Drink Grace'" (Source)
"When my husband and I first started dating, he took me as his date to the wedding of a friend. During the reception, as the groom (my husband's friend) and his new bride were dancing to a nice romantic song, the DJ suddenly switched to 'Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay' by Otis Redding. This was the mid 1990's and the song was out of place considering the other music that had been played so far. As I watched the couple dance, I noticed that the wife had this look of disgust on her face...and her husband seemed to be pleading with her...he looked upset, but she looked ticked.
I nudged my date and asked what was going on. He told me that the song had a double meaning. Groom and bride broke up once and he hooked up with a girl...on the dock, of the bay. Ta da! His friends knew about this (some sort of drunken encounter) and he confessed to his girlfriend when they got back together. His 'friends' (using that term loosely) paid the DJ to play the song, which resulted in one ticked off bride.
Pretty tacky of his friends, I thought. You don't do that at someone's wedding" (Source)
"I asked my dad to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. My dad - well, he's a bit of an odd fellow. Probably has Aspergers, very socially awkward, but he means well and his heart is in the right place. He was very proud to walk me down the aisle, and wanted to make sure he did a good job. So he polled some married female friends of his to get their thoughts on their experience walking down the aisle. Most of them replied with some variation of 'Oh, there was so much going on and it all went by so fast. I don't remember too much about that part, actually.'
So my dad, bless his heart, took that to mean their biggest regret was not making the walking down the aisle part memorable. So he decided he would have to MAKE. ME. REMEMBER.
All of this he explains to me, just as we're about to begin the procession. He says 'Don't worry, just follow my instructions.' And so we begin to proceed, and just as we near the rows and rows of people, he begins barking instructions. 'LOOK OVER HERE! NOW LOOK OVER THERE! SMILE AT THIS PERSON! COMMIT!!! COMMIT THIS TO YOUR MEMORY!!! NOW LOOK BACK TO THE LEFT. NOW THE RIGHT. SLOW THE PACE DOWN! NOW LOOK TO THE FRONT! LOOK AT [FIANCÉ]! SMILE AT [FIANCÉ]!' And so on and so forth, all the way down the aisle.
Meanwhile I'm trying to communicate to him through the smile plastered on my face, 'Yep, yep, it's okay, I think I got it.' And everyone watching was shooting us confused looks.
Well, I guess it worked, cause it's not something I think I'll ever forget!" (Source)
"Wedding in North Carolina. Father of the bride is also the pastor. Bride's sister is a 'recovering' addict who has been clean long enough to be trusted to be a bridesmaid. Big mistake.
Starts normal enough. Bridal party, bride, and groom all up there and pastor (father) starts talking. Then I notice bridesmaid sister slowly falling forward and catching herself a few times. Then she starts swaying even more. Pastor notices but keeps rolling. Swaying gets worse. Friend of the family gets up and goes to stand behind her to catch her in case she falls. At this point she decides it would be a good time to ask her mom (in front row) to borrow some money. She does so loudly. Mom and everyone else ignore her but she asks again more loudly. It's clear by her speech she is lit- at this point the pastor pauses and asks her to be quiet. Wrong move. She begins to berate her father, the pastor, using language not intended for church. The family friend standing behind her tries to lead her away but she turns and slaps him. He picks her up, cavemen style over the shoulder, and starts to walk out a nearby door while she is screaming. He walks through the doorway and she grabs the frame and holds it. He breaks away, but not before the bridesmaid gets in a few more f bombs.
The the pastor finishes like nothing happens" (Source)
"I once attended a wedding where the bride attempted to cake the groom by shoving his face onto the cake. He resisted. She tried to push harder, but he kept resisting. In a matter of seconds, everyone realized that they were no longer play-fighting but were actually pretty serious. The bride used both hands and her body weight to cake the guy and he put both of his hands on the table to resist it. I don't know how long it went on for but it seemed like eternity watching that awkward scene. Then they started arguing in front of everyone. VERY awkward" (Source)
"One wedding I went to, the pastor started giving the typical 'marriage is hard work' speech. He talks about how many marriages fail, and all the people he's counseled through divorce. He goes on about how all couples on their wedding day, they're just like this couple and they think they're going to make it, but six months later they're getting a divorce. I'm trying hard to keep a straight face, the groom is starting to look like he wants to punch the guy, and I can hear people behind me disguising laughing as coughing. I keep expecting him to bring it around to something positive, but he doesn't. Just 15 minutes of, 'Marriage is hard and lots of them don't work.'
Find out at the reception, he was a family friend. With a lifelong unrequited crush on the bride" (Source)
"My cousin married a Mormon boy a few years back. Our aunt officiated it and our entire family was so proud of her, and all loved the guy. The guy's mother, though, was very into her religion and almost convinced the groom's entire side of the family not to go because my cousin had visible tattoos, but the groom and his brothers convinced her not to.
At the wedding, she broke into a toast that was not planned, nor requested, where she essentially said that she hoped that during my cousin's life, she could look to the Latter Day Saints church for truth and hopefully be able to ask God for forgiveness for her sins and be allowed into heaven. There was a very awkward silence afterward, with even most of her family looking embarrassed but was broken by my aunt yelling out, 'We love you Libby!' which prompted lots of cheers.
The groom and some other cousins of mine promptly 'asked' the mother to leave while the rest of us consoled the bride, who was in tears" (Source)
"At my cousin's wedding, her boss got wasted and told a story about her nephew watching porn in a hotel on a family trip.
It came out of nowhere and everyone was sufficiently confused and uncomfortable. I was young and someone had made the mistake of serving me wine, so I just laughed and laughed in the otherwise silent room.
They had to turn off the mic and then just closed the speeches for the rest of the night" (Source)
"At one wedding reception I attended, the bride's teenaged sister gave the first speech. It was a twenty-minute crying jag about how mature her older sister was for 'waiting until she had married the man she loved,' and how wise she was for not having sex with the first guy who crossed her path. Confessional toasts are never a good idea. Especially in front of your grandparents" (Source)
"I used to be a cake decorator. I did this for 14 years. I made all kinds of cakes, including wedding cakes. Wedding cakes were considered a big deal with my employer and they insisted that I stay for the wedding and or the reception, depending on where the cake was. The one story I would love to share is this:
This was an early spring wedding, the original plans called for an outside wedding but weather brought us indoors. Other than that, the wedding is proceeding as expected, and we are at the point where the religious figure is asking the groom, 'Do you take whatever to be your lawfully wedded wife?'
The groom says, 'No.'
The crowd goes into gasp, mumble and whisper mode. Nice, something different. The groom looks to the back of the room and gives a hand signal to someone near the lights. The place goes black, and a flashlight comes on. The groom is using it to fiddle with an AV cart with one of those older projection units that could project onto a wall or screen. The thing comes to life and the groom, the bride, and the bride's family are all lit up in the beam of the projector. The groom announces that what we are about to see was filmed the night before the wedding. He walks over the the machine and presses play.
Immediately, the room is filled with the moaning, groaning, slapping, and slurping sounds of two people really going at it. As the projector finally focuses, we see, superimposed over the bride and her family, the bride going at it with the best man, total porno slut style. I watched as the bridal party was shocked into complete silence and motionless. The video played for a good 45 seconds to a minute before any of them showed any reaction. The bride crumpled to the ground crying, and the mom and dad pried her off the floor and walked her out. The place is still dark as night except the front, I stand at the back for a quick exit (you learn after the first three or so where to hang out for a quick escape), I applauded and then left. I never did find out what happened after that, but I am happy I got to see that happen" (Source)
"My cousin's wedding ceremony. Pastor performing the ceremony had a 'short' speech about the three requirements of a successful marriage.
Spends five minutes talking about how feelings for each other are important, need to keep falling in love with each other each day, the usual stuff. Then five minutes about how accepting Jesus and God into your lives and marriage was essential to a successful marriage. And then things got weird... He went on for 15-20 minutes about how sex is important. Including his personal sex life with his wife and also comparing sex to a fire (uncontrolled/promiscuous sex = uncontrolled fire and controlled sex/sex with life-long partner = controlled fire). He then went on about other stuff unrelated to the three 'essentials' before returning to essential #3 again to tell us all some more sex stories. Needless to say, I thought that this pastor was some sexual deviant.
Then I saw his wife at the reception and everything made sense; she was SMOKIN'" (Source)
"I was at a wedding this summer, and the best man started his speech by declaring that he didn't prepare anything because he wanted to speak from the heart. He talked for five minutes about how both his mother and and grooms mother were dead, just going on and on about it. At the end of the speech someone at the reception audibly said, 'He should have prepared something,' which was met with a not-so silent wave of agreement" (Source)
"I attended the wedding of a friend of mine a few years ago. His wife had one sibling---a younger sister, who was about 19. Younger sister was the obvious choice to be the maid of honor, which meant she was giving a toast.
My wife, having fairly recently organized our own wedding, was constantly on hand to help with the organization, so she and Younger Sister spent a lot of time together in the period leading up to the wedding. It was clear that the younger sister was terrified of public speaking, mostly out of fear that she would accidentally say something that would mortify her very conservative Chinese extended family who had traveled a long way for the event. She confided to my wife and the bridesmaids about this, and, laughing, they told her to just try and stay away from talking about (ahem) 'bedroom activities' and she'll be fine.
Fast forward to the wedding, and she gets up to make her speech. She is obviously panicking, especially since the best man has already made HIS speech and delivered it beautifully. So she takes the microphone, stuttering and shaking, having completely forgotten what she intended to say. After a few minutes of rambling, trying to remember what she had originally planned, this sentence escapes her mouth: 'I can't remember anything about what I was going to say! All I remember is that I'm not supposed to mention anything about fisting!'
My wife, who had been party to the conversation, collapses in paroxysms of laughter. No one else attending the wedding understands what she said, so this is into total silence. Only my wife, who was primed by the earlier conversation, recognizes the phrase---the rest of us either don't speak English well enough to understand what the term means in a sexual context, or (like me) simply assume that they must have heard wrong" (Source)
"Friend's wedding, I was a bridesmaid. The wedding started and we made it down the aisle with our groomsmen. The doors opened and the bride began to make her way down to the front when we noticed the groom was nowhere to be found. All of us were slightly panicking while we see the bride walking towards us, and you can see in her eyes that she is slowly realizing that the groom is not at the front of the church waiting for her.
A groomsman runs to the backroom to search for him and after what feels like eternity the groom runs to the front altar, just in time to meet the bride. He got distracted watching a movie. I have never been more embarrassed for someone in my life - basically she was trying not to cry while the pastor launches into the ceremony and the groom looked mortified. She was very brave, because if I had made it down most of the aisle and couldn't find my husband-to-be, I think my legs would have involuntarily stopped walking" (Source)
"About 12 years ago, I was at a friend's wedding reception and people were dancing, including a guy in a wheelchair. The DJ was playing John Parr's 'Man in Motion' and he stopped the record and said, 'That was John Parr's "Man in Motion" and we've got our own man in motion: man in a wheelchair. He's had the nerve to get up and have a dance. Give him a round of applause!'
Followed by the sight of the guy wheeling himself off the dance floor" (Source)
"I heard some of the worst speeches ever at the wedding for a family friend's daughter to her high school coach. The bride was 19 and had just given birth to the groom's baby a few months before. The groom was in his mid 30's and the family of the bride is very conservative. This is a small, rushed wedding to 'put things right' as her mother said.
Well, the best man is super drunk by the time he has to give his speech and rambles on and on for 20 minutes about how he cannot believe his friend is getting married because he never wanted to and can't imagine how the bride made him do it. He decided to relive some wildly inappropriate stories about past girls the groom had dated or hooked up with, and then rounded the whole thing off by making some pedophile and sex jokes about the bride and groom.
The maid of honor didn't help anything, either, because she followed it up by crying hysterically for about 30 seconds, realizing she couldn't compose herself and then walked off without saying anything. It was awful" (Source)
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