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The Tasty Lightbulb
The Tasty Lightbulb

"Caught my 14 month old eating a glass christmas bulb. I went over and slapped it out of her hand. Then I fish-hooked around in her mouth. I could feel the glass, but it was too fine to remove. I yelled for my husband to hold down our daughter while I waterboarded her at the kitchen sink. He shot me a curious look, but he isn't really one to pass up a good time. Thankfully, it worked" (Source).

The Evil Crayon
The Evil Crayon

"1995, my wife is 7 months pregnant with our first, punches me awake at 3am crying because, well, hormones. She's hysterical because we can't be trusted with a baby, we'll hurt it. When I tell her we'll be fine she says 'You're a f--king klutz, you'll drop the baby down the stairs'. 2003, carrying our eight month old third child down the stairs, one of the other kids had left one of those fat crayons on like the second step down. Step on crayon, foot goes shooting straight forward, I land hard on my a--. Baby gets dropped and lands two steps down from me. I had landed oddly, with my left leg sort of tucked backwards (ended up with a sprained knee from it). I try to free my leg so that I can reach forward and grab my daughter. Leg pops forward... And I managed to kick my daughter down another five steps. For the record, she was scared as hell but completely unharmed. She stopped crying within 10 minutes and went on as if nothing had happened" (Source).

The Alarming Cough
The Alarming Cough

"I was driving to work one winter morning in South Dakota. It was very cold out. My mind was elsewhere, and when I was turning into the parking lot, I heard my four-month old daughter cough in the backseat. I had forgotten she was in the car, and had forgotten to drop her off at daycare. I was this close to parking the car and going into the office and leaving her there, in a South Dakota winter. She wouldn't have made it to lunch. Still gives me the creeps, 12 years later" (Source).

Baby's First Bath!
Baby's First Bath!

"I was giving my newborn son his first bath and I had him facedown over my arm lowered into the water while I washed his back, not realizing I had completely submerged his face. He was probably under for about 10-15 seconds before I realized he was a bit quiet and the reason why. Still feel sick when I think that he could have drowned in my arms" (Source).

Sleep like a Champ
Sleep like a Champ

"My kiddo was / is a tummy sleeper through and through. I kept telling the doctor she wouldn't sleep on her back, but he just kept telling us that she will die if she sleeps on her belly. So I had a sleep deprived, miserable crying child and I was sleep deprived and miserable from holding her while she took 3 naps a day. We couldn't co-sleep so something had to give. If we put her on her belly she slept like a champ, so that's what we did at night. Everything was great, though I felt guilty. Until one morning I go to wake her up and she doesn't move when I call her name. She doesn't move when I lay a hand on her back. She is stiff when I yank her out of bed and proceed to run screaming bloody murder throughout the house 'She's dead, she's dead OMG she's dead' I don't know whether to jump in the car and go to the hospital 2 seconds away or call 911 - so I'm frantically dancing back and forth in the front yard. My panicked husband finally yells 'STOP FOR A SECOND', walks over and kisses our super quiet, very confused and very alive child. I told you - she slept like a champ on her belly" (Source).

Laying on the Roof
Laying on the Roof

"We were renting a two story house when my son was about 2 years old. All of the bedrooms were upstairs and the windows which, lead out to an overhang were the floor to sealing type and opened on the bottom. I thought I was being safe by putting child proof locks in the kids room windows. One day I'm downstairs while my son is napping and a neighbor comes over screaming 'There's a baby on your roof'. He had gone into my bedroom and climbed out a window that wasn't locked" (Source).

Face first on Concrete
Face first on Concrete

"My wife was just walking along a normal path. Tripped on a crack and threw our eldest (6 months old at the time) onto the concrete path. One of the worst moments of our lives. He was fine. Not even a scratch.
A few weeks ago (now 11 years old) he smashed his teeth doing something stupid and faceplanting into concrete. It's like the kid wants to eat concrete. His teeth have been reconstructed. However, even weeks later, I don't think I am over the stress of THAT day. Our kids permanently hurting their teeth has long been one of my wife's biggest parental phobias. The day itself was a nasty mix of horror and fear for his safety/future/physical well-being and all sorts of horrible 'If only I had...' constant replays. Any time your kid does something major like that, it hits hard. Even if they, themselves just shrug it off" (Source).

The Ball on the Fireplace
The Ball on the Fireplace

"Single mom here...I had this fake fireplace the first place that we lived, and I didn't know I had to bolt it to the wall, I figured it was heavy enough it would be fine. My 2yr old son threw a ball and it went on top of the fire place, as he climbed up to get it the whole thing fell over. The only thing that saved his life, was the bean bag chair we had set in front for story time. The fire place weighted 200lbs or more. When it tilted he managed to get into the nook part so he wasn't getting completely crushed and the chair kept the weight off of him. I had to get neighbors to help me lift it up. Scariest moment so far" (Source).

Whale Food
Whale Food

"I don't have children but my father almost killed me once. We were at Sea World when I was about 2 and I wanted a better view of 'Shamu'. This was 25 years ago and safety precautions weren't quite what they are now. My dad lifts me up high enough for me to see the whale over the edge and he starts swimming towards me. Alarms started going off and one of the workers is sprinting to my dad. He proceeds to snatch me from my father who was getting ready to physically harm the person that just tore his kid from his arms when the man explained that is how they feed the whale" (Source).

A Late Night Stroll
A Late Night Stroll

"So one night, when my son was about 3, I left him in the bedroom watching Blue's Clues until he fell asleep. it was about 9pm, but he had napped all day so he wasn't tired. I had my step mother over, and we were having a beer in the kitchen, just yammering about the day and what not. About 30 min later I go to check on him and...gone. Not in the bedroom, not in the kitchen, not anywhere. Looking under beds, frantically searching the basement, thinking he was maybe hiding or something. Not. Anywhere. At. All.
As I pass by the front door I notice it's open a bit. His coat is hanging up but his shoes are gone. What the F--K?! It's February in northern Alberta so it's about -37 degrees and fricken COLD outside at 10pm.
I'm thinking 'nononononono' as I grab my coat and f--king dash out of the house. Im screaming his name hysterically, running up and down the street, thinking Im going to see a car pulling over and his f--king body pasted on the road. My step ma yells and waves me over about a block up. Turns out, he left the house, walked down the street, crossed the street. Some old guy almost nailed him with his van. He freaks out and takes him to the nearest house, about 2 blocks from us. I go inside, crying and freaking out, and as I walk into this stranger's house, the police arrive. I let my step ma deal with them while I attempt to grab my kid.....but he's in his terrible 3's...and there's 2 other kids there watching tv with him...and the throws the f--king MONSTER of fits as Im trying to get his coat on. I mean, full tantrum, kicking and yelling, the works.
So here I am, dragging this screaming kid out of a stranger's house at 10pm, smelling like beer, trying to explain to the police what had happened. They let us go with no issues (thank CHRIST), and we went home. We never mentioned it to anyone. EVER" (Source).

Don't Forget the Floaties!
Don't Forget the Floaties!

"No kids, but as a babysitter - During the summer, the parents would drop me off with the kids at a swim club they were members at. Oldest kid was maybe 7, youngest was 3. Since the youngest couldn't swim yet, she had those inflatable arm floaty things to wear. Well, at the end of the day, I was packing everything up to get ready to leave, took her arm floaties off... turned to put them in the bag, turn back around, she's gone. (no more than 15 seconds with my back turned.) Apparently she decided to jump back in the pool for one last swim. There is nothing quite as heart-attack inducing as when I looked in the shallow end of the pool, and there she was just standing on the bottom with this shocked look on her face since she had expected to float. I jumped right in and pulled her out. Again, she was only out of sight for maybe 15 seconds, so no harm done. But still, scary as hell" (Source).

Grandma Isn't allowed to Babysit
Grandma Isn't allowed to Babysit

"Grandma was visiting and doing some knitting. No sooner had the request 'please make sure your (3 year old) grandson can't get a hold of one of those' come out of my mouth when I see him racing around the sofa brandishing a knitting needle. Time goes into slow motion. I can't see him and my legs, strangely, won't move fast enough. There is an odd silence. Then the crying. But it is a cry I've not heard before. It's gargled somehow. Rounding the sofa, it's a scene for which I have no context. My son is sprawled on the ground. My brain first registers the blood. And then the bloody knitting needle. I turn him over and blood begins spurting from his neck and hits the coffee table. Grab pj top and apply pressure. Scream at Grandma to call 911. Grandma forgets how to use 'this crazy telephone'. Husband runs in from garden. A blur of ambulance, attendants, neck brace, gurney, sirens, emergency room. There are ultrasounds, physical checks, stitches, monitors and finally an overnight stay in hospital for observation. All is well. Arriving home, Grandma said she thought we 'over reacted'. Much later she will be heard to wonder aloud why she is not allowed to babysit" (Source).

"Go Ahead! Run!"

"Once while watching a three year old (my godson) we went to a local model train store that he loved. Everything went great, and he had a lot of fun. Walking back to the car, he was tugging at my hand, and said 'I want to run!' We'd made it past the last car in the lot except ours, no visible moving cars anywhere ahead of us, and it looked like absolute clear, safe sailing all the way back to our parked car. So, I let go, and said, 'Go ahead! Run!' It all seems so predictable now. He ran about 5 feet forward into the completely empty parking lot, towards our car, then did a 180 degree turn with a speed and agility that would make a hummingbird proud, and took off back the way we came, back into the busy part of the parking lot. Trust me when I tell you that it is simply not possible for a 185 pound adult to change direction that quickly. Fortunately I still had the presence of mind to yell 'Stop!' at the top of my lungs. He stopped himself just short of a big SUV with its backup lights on. I think the driver may have seen him. I don't know. Anyway, here's what I learned about small kids. Just because traveling in a certain direction is obvious and natural to you does not mean your toddler thinks the same thing. All directions of travel are 'on the table'. Toddlers can maneuver much more quickly than you can. You need to be holding your toddlers hand firmly any place there are cars. Even cars that could never, ever be a source of danger. Because they still can be" (Source).

Careless Big Sister
Careless Big Sister

"Not a parent but my sister took care of me a lot when I was a baby. One day I was playing in the laundry room and happened to get a hold of one of the silica packets from a shoe box. According to my sister, I somehow got it open and ate half the packet while she was in her room. After she found out, she was scared sh-tless and couldn't tell my parents. So she didn't and just watched me closely for the rest of the day, seeing if I did anything weird. Happy to say, I didn't die" (Source).

The Shopping Cart Ride
The Shopping Cart Ride

"The closest my son has ever come to danger was with my Mom (I was there - this was Mom's fault). We were loading purchases into the back of the car outside a department store. He was a little over a year old and was strapped into the seat of the shopping cart. I went around to turn on the car and get the AC going. My Mom let go of the shopping cart to put her purse in and close the trunk. I stand up to see my son in the shopping cart rolling at a pretty good clip down the hill, through the parking lot towards the 4 lane highway. He saw me looking, lifted a hand and did that cute bending your fingers wave kids do. You have never seen two women take off running so fast. He is a teenager now and anytime my Mom criticizes me, I remind her of the time she sent him careening towards traffic" (Source).

Don't forget to Buckle up!
Don't forget to Buckle up!

"I'm not a parent, but once, driving a 5 year old around, in the middle of the road he unbuckled his seat belt and climbed out of the window, I noticed when his body was dangling halfway out of the car, was barely able to grab him by the leg and pull him back in. My heart had stopped, you avert your eyes for a split second and these kids find a way to lemming themselves" (Source).

Steam-Heating
Steam-Heating

"My son is only eight months old, and I've already got one. First, you should know that our house is about 100 years old and still has a boiler and radiators (steam) to provide heat. Since the house has settled, not all of the radiator pipes are angled as they should be; this can cause cold air to get trapped in the pipe, preventing certain radiators from heating up. The way to fix this is to remove the pressure regulator from the end of the radiator until steam comes out, this can take up to 10 minutes, depending on how long the boiler has been running, and the distance between said radiator and boiler. One day, the radiator in my son's room wasn't warming. It was night-time and cold as hell outside, so I snuck into his room and unscrewed the regulator. Not wanting to wake him, I snuck back out, planning to return momentarily and put the regulator back on. Well, I forgot. For about half an hour. All of a sudden, as I'm doing who-knows-what downstairs, I'm wondering what the high-pitched whistling noise coming from upstairs is. I quickly realize my mistake, and dash to his room, only to find a cloud of steam so dense that I can't see anything. I feel my way to his crib and give him the scare of his very short life as I jerk him up out of a dead sleep and run out of the room.
He was no worse for wear, just generally damp from the ridiculous amount of water in the air. After tending to him, I had to manually shut off the boiler and wait for the radiator to cool down before I could put the regulator back on, then towel-dry everything in his room, even the walls and ceiling" (Source).

Who Doesn't like Oranges?
Who Doesn't like Oranges?

"This is not something my parents did, but something I did to my little sister when I was about 2 1/2 and she was roughly six months old. In my defense, I was trying to be nice. The rationale was as follows; I was apparently very fond of oranges. I would eat oranges whenever I could get my hands on them. I naturally thought my little sister would also like oranges. In my infantile mind I then reasoned it would be a good idea to stuff her mouth with as many orange slices as possible so she could enjoy all that citrus-y goodness. The result of all this is a six months old girl rolling around on the floor unable to breathe until a screaming mother runs into the room and gets them all out" (Source).

3 Trips in 5 Hours
3 Trips in 5 Hours

"Best story happened to me, I was in my walker dad left the garage door open. Bam down a flight of concrete stairs. Ambulance and fire truck come and I am off to the hospital. Well parents were in the middle of cooking dinner. Grandma came over to finish dinner. Started a oil fire and caught house on fire. Which took out about a 1/3 of the house. Bam, Same fire truck and ambulance. Then after they leave grandma has a heart attack, and you guessed it same fire truck and ambulance 3 trips to my house in less than 5 hours.
P.S. grandma made it. Well she is dead now but made it through the heart attack" (Source).

A Patch of Ice
A Patch of Ice

"When my oldest son was 2 years old we went to a wedding being held in January. As we were leaving, there was a big patch of ice right at the bottom of the stairs leading out. My son had fallen asleep, I was cradling him in my arms so as not to wake him. Got to the bottom of the stairs, my fancy dress shoes slid on the ice out from under me. My legs flew back behind me, I yanked my son towards me and twisted so my shoulder hit the ground. Slid across the giant patch of ice while holding him and slammed face first into the tire of a car waiting near the entrance. My son's head was inches from the protruding metal bits of the rim.
Little bastard didn't even wake up, but I was f--king hamburger meat" (Source).

The Carseat
The Carseat

"When I was only 6 months old, my mom was running errands and had me in the car seat in back of the Jeep Wrangler we had. She buckled me into my car seat, but she was absent minded/distracted and forgot to strap the car seat to the backseat. She's driving along and takes a turn to fast and i shift from right side up on the passenger side to upside down in between the back of the driver's seat and the back seat driver's side. She notices right away, pulls over to get me right side up again, and she notices that my soft spot was about an inch from a protruding bolt. I don't think she forgot to secure the car seat after that" (Source).

A Future Climber
A Future Climber

"I'm not a parent but I'm ten years older than my sister and she got really good at climbing chairs at around 2(ish) years old and managed to fall headfirst off of the chair. Fortunately I saw it happen and managed to react out of instinct and dove across the kitchen, not fully catching her but slowed her down and she landed on my hands, which is better than tile. I also managed to throw my soda across the kitchen counter, I don't think I've ever reacted so fast in my life" (Source).

The Military Backpack
The Military Backpack

"Not a parent, but my mom has nearly killed me a couple of times. When I was a kid my uncle got me this awesome military surplus backpack. I thought I looked really cool wearing it, but the downside to the backpack was that it had these really long drawstrings. One morning before school I awoke to find my little brother had used all of my post it notes and so clearly we needed to fight about it. Kinda dumb but we were kids and that's kinda what we did. The whole event had put everyone in a bad mood and I rode to school in the backseat not talking to anyone. I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me. I took two steps before I suddenly was no longer able to walk forward any more. I turned around to see that the extra long drawstrings from my awesome new backpack were closed in the car door behind me. My mother not realizing this and still pissed from the incident in the morning floored it. The next thing I new I was on the asphalt kicking the wheels of the car trying not to get run over. You know that feeling in gym class where you slide down a rope to fast and your hands burn like crazy? now imagine the rope is made of black top and instead of gripping it with your hands you decided to use your whole body. My mom made it the length of our schools parking lot before the number of cars honking their horns made her stop to see what was going on. I rolled out of the backpack after she stopped covered in blood and dirt. I was completely in shock so I couldn't feel any pain yet and I remember the first thing that popped into my head was that I was wearing my favorite mighty ducks shirt this had totally ruined it. I totally didn't realize the gravity of the situation till everyone in the parking lot ran up to me to see if was ok and the pain started to set in" (Source).

The Extension Cord
The Extension Cord

"I had an extension cable outside so I could vacuum my car. I had unplugged the vacuum and took it inside. I returned to start dealing with the extension cord, which was still plugged into the socket, to find my 3 yo boy dunking it in the bucket of water I had to wash the car. I have no idea how he didn't explode" (Source).

A night in the Hospital
A night in the Hospital

"When my daughter was seven weeks old, I was returning from a local coffee shop with drinks for me and my husband. I was pushing our daughter in her infant car seat atop a stroller that came with it. I sat the car seat down on our couch and unbuckled her, then turned to take off my shoes and set down the drinks. In the blink of an eye, and before I could get to her, the seat tipped over off the couch and my baby fell face first onto the hardwood floor with a sickening thud. She began to scream and cry, and I was doing the same. I remember yelling, 'Oh, my god! My baby! My baby!' We ended up rushing her to the local children's hospital where she received dozens of x-rays and ended up having to spend the night to monitor her. She had a fractured eye socket that healed on its own. I was a hysterical mess, and, four years later, have not really forgiven myself for being so careless" (Source).

The Terrifying Frog
The Terrifying Frog

"I'll start this by saying I am terrified of frogs. Absolutely terrified! My husband knows this and always terrorizes me with them. So on this fateful day I was holding our two week old son when he walks in and drops a frog down my top. Of course my first reaction was to jump up and throw whatever was in my hands across the room. That was how my son had his first flying lesson. He turned out fine, not a scratch on him" (Source).

Baby-Catch!
Baby-Catch!

"One day my cousin and I decided to go to a local beach with her baby and my younger sister. Her baby was maybe a year old, so when we went in the water she carried him. We started walking out into the deeper part of the lake but stopped when it was just below chest deep. I was maybe 16 at the time and about 5'8''. Out of nowhere she decides she's going to toss me her tiny little son. I wasn't paying attention but luckily saw the poor thing soaring through the air out of the corner of my eye. I turned and went to reach for him, but he had already fallen under the water. I plunged my hands into the murky water and by some miracle grabbed one of his arms and yanked him up. He was completely unscathed, he didn't even take in any water. Needless to say we were pretty quick to get out of the water and never talk about that incident ever again. And that's why I will never take a child near any body of water" (Source).

The Tire-Swing
The Tire-Swing

"I'm 10 years older than my youngest brother, so I'm almost like a 2nd mother to him. When I was 13, I took him (3) and my other younger brother (6) to the park to give my mom a break for the afternoon. I was swinging the 6 year old on the tire swing and the 3 year old decided he wanted to try. I was wary, but he convinced me he could hang on. He couldn't. He let go and he flew off that damn swing and smacked his head hard on the metal support. Knocked him out cold, and when he came to he was doing that silent scream thing that kids do when they're really freaked out. I called my mom on the phone and met her at the hospital, which was a block away. I gave him a minor concussion and myself a heart attack" (Source).

Hit & Run
Hit & Run

"I was loading my son into my truck at Costco a few months ago. He was sitting in the cart. I park at the end of the parking lot normally because I do not like door dings and the cart/stroller normally takes up a lot of room and I do not want to ding anyone else's car either. Well anyways, he was sitting there singing and just being merry. Oblivious to the near death experience he was about to encounter. Let me set the scene. I am parked almost at the very end or the Costco parking lot in a diagonal spot. There are three spots between us and the end of the lot planter. He rides in his seat on the passenger side of my truck's rear seat. The passenger rear door was open. I was at the tailgate loading some stuff into the bed of the truck. My wife had got into the front seat to put his diaper bag away. Then, out of nowhere, a large Suburban comes whipping around the front of my truck to turn around. Because going three extra spots and doing it on the road was just too much of a hassle. The suburban actually hits my rear door. My wife was leaning into the front seat with the front door closed on her legs, or the truck would have hit her door too. Well, the door was hit by the suburban, swings into the cart my son is sitting in and launches the cart into the path or a huge Ford F350 coming up the row. He manages to stop, the suburban spins tires to get the hell out of there. Hit and run style. I grab my son, who is screaming at this point. The driver of the F350 high tails it out of there as well. I am like 'what in Jesus's f--k just happened?' I call the police to report the collision. Needless to say, we almost lost our son that day. He turns one today. Well, there is a silver lining as well. The driver of the F350 was an of duty cop and actually took the time to chase down the fleeing suburban. Turns out the driver of the SUV was not licensed and was actually wanted on a warrant. So it was a good catch for him. I find it sh-tty that he just had little regard for life at that moment. He saw the cart go flying. I heard the lady with him scream at him that he just hit a baby. He still chose to flee" (Source).

The Reveal
The Reveal

"One night in the early 90's, my parents were cooking popcorn. Not popcorn in a microwave, like civilized human beings, but popcorn on the stove, like savages. As we all learned from Scream, this type of popcorn has a tendency to catch on fire. And so it does just that. We look up, and suddenly there are flames shooting up from our delicious evening snack. My sister freaks out a little. She's crying and screaming and just generally losing it (as 6 year olds tend to do after getting fire-safety education in school). My dad calmly walks over to the stove and puts a lid on the pan. My dad's all 'Don't worry, it's out now'. My sister is still freaking out and not convinced (I mean, the man didn't put water on it or break out the fire extinguisher or anything!). But my dad insists it's fine and tells her to come over and look at the pan. She hesitantly walks over. Dad puts the pan right under her face so she can see the fire is gone. He removes the lid with a flourish, like he's revealing the exquisite main entree to a five course meal. And the fire hadn't been smothered yet. The flames re-explode right in my sister's face. Singed her eyebrows right off. She still has some trust issues" (Source).

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