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Fill and Dump
Fill and Dump

Was filling up a salt shaker over the sink so I didn't spill any salt anywhere. As soon as I filled up the salt shaker I immediately turned it over and dumped all the salt in the sink. It was extremely deliberate and I have no idea why I did it.

Playing Hookie
Playing Hookie

In middle school, I went to my locker to get my books for the last class of the day (French). Autopiloted my jacket and bag, went home an hour early.

Messy Oral Hygiene
Messy Oral Hygiene

I had mouthwash in my mouth and went to look for something in the vanity drawer. I opened it and out of reflex when I looked down spat all the mouthwash into it. All over cotton buds, bandaids, my nail clippers, etc.

Who Took My Cereal?
Who Took My Cereal?

I once poured cereal into my full cup of coffee, then wondered why my cereal bowl was empty when I started to pour the milk.

Late for Work
Late for Work

I got home from work had dinner and fell asleep on the couch, I woke up and checked the time on my phone, 7.15... OH SH_T I'm so late for work. So I got ready really quickly and ran out the door. I'm thinking to myself, "the neighborhood seems pretty lively for this time of the morning."
I was halfway to work before I realized I had woken up at 7.15pm not am... idiot.

Wet Underwear
Wet Underwear

Once when I was around ten, I went into the bathroom to take a shower. So I turned on the water, took off my shirt, pants, shoes and socks, and stepped into the shower to let the warm water wash over me. At which point I looked down and wondered why the hell I hadn't removed my underwear.

Not Eye Drops
Not Eye Drops

I carry a bottle of oil based perfume in my bag...and a bottle of eye drops too. Squirted the perfume into my eye. It burned. Even my tears felt like they were burning my face. Kept screaming, I think my husband was screaming too, he rushed me to the bathroom and was helping me wash it off because I'm totally blind at that point. It was ok after 3 bottles of eyedrops, but my husband kept checking me for signs of blindness for the next week.

I'm Dying!
I'm Dying!

I was working as a studio assistant at my college's photography lab a few years ago and essentially I helped other students process and develop their film and photos, made sure the chemicals were refilled, the place was clean, etc. One night I was refilling the stop bath which is concentrated acetic acid. I don't know what came over me but I opened the container and smelled it. I got light headed immediately and the thoughts "oh f_ck I just killed myself" dramatically flashed in my mind. I called poison control and told them what happened (explaining I "accidentally" leaned over the container and caught a big whiff) and I'm sure the guy on the other line was trying not to make fun of me when he explained I essentially huffed vinegar, and if there was anything to worry about it was the fact I might have singed my nose hairs, nothing more.

You're Not Wearing Glasses
You're Not Wearing Glasses

"Did... did you just smack yourself in the face?" "I was pushing up my glasses." "You aren't wearing glas-" "I know. Shut up." Near daily occurrence for me. Contacts are still pretty new.

This Toothpaste Tastes Strange
This Toothpaste Tastes Strange

Every morning when I shower I'd have this routine where I would shampoo my hair, rinse, apply hair conditioner and then brush my teeth while the conditioner sits in my hair. Somehow I fucked it up with tooth paste in my hair and conditioner in my teeth. I literally squeezed out toothpaste from the tube into my palms and lathered my hair without noticing the texture is completely different. I also pumped conditioner on my tooth brush and didn't think it was out of the ordinary at that moment in time. Only realized my mistake when I tasted the conditioner.

My Work Here Is Done
My Work Here Is Done

I worked at a store and I was closing up alone. I had the money drawers on the table in the back and I was half way through adding up when I had to pee. I went to the bathroom, and grabbed my purse and left to go home for some reason. The way the door worked, I could lock it from inside, but only the manager had the key to get back inside. This was before everyone had cell phones, and I didn't have my bosses home phone number. I had to wait until the morning and rush in to meet her and apologize. I'm lucky I wasn't fired.

Clean Enough
Clean Enough

Just last week I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I turned on the water and sat down on the toilet and took a sh_t for 5ish minutes. Then I wiped, stood up, flushed, turned the shower off and put my clean clothes on. I realized I didn't take a shower when I walked into my bedroom and I was throwing a dry towel in the hamper..

Hello, My Name Is...
Hello, My Name Is...

I worked in a research lab during college. When you walked into the lab a bell would chime and you were to say your name. Once I stopped working there I found myself stating my name when I would hear a bell that sounded like the one in the lab. Text Source

Wrong Cup
Wrong Cup

I have drunken way more dirty paint water than I care to admit. I always make the mistake of putting my drink next to my brush water, then without thinking, reach out and take a sip, only to realize that I have drunken from the wrong cup.

This Key Doesn't Work
This Key Doesn't Work

I live in Korea and I have a key card to open the door to my apartment. Actual keys are not really a thing here. So when I went on vacation in Japan my husband gave me the key to our airbnb and I held it next to the key hole and was confused as to why the door wasn't opening, you know, like someone from the future visiting the past.

Late for School
Late for School

I was around 12, sharing a room with my brother who was 16-ish. It was a school day. As I am sleeping, I suddenly open my eyes and realize we are late for school, jump out of bed and turn on the lights. I shake my brother. "Wake up! Wake up, it's very late! We are late for school we gotta get ready! Come on!" I tell him anxiously and I immediately start getting dressed in a hurry. In the same panicked state as I am, he gets up and starts dressing furiously. We are literally running across the bedroom to get ready. I get ready ( I always were the faster one ), and open the bedroom door to step out, but stop. Complete darkness. I check the clock and it is like 4 am. I had not even looked at the time. I had randomly woken up and assumed it was time for school. I stand there for a few seconds. My brother realizes what is going on, says "Goddammit, Chris" and goes back to bed very disappointed. I follow.

Still Thirsty
Still Thirsty

Oh, boy, a few days ago. Watching TV, wanted a glass of water. Got up, went to the kitchen, got a glass, didn't fill it with water, walked back to the living room and sat down. Realized my mistake so I got up, walked back to the kitchen but forgot the glass in the living room. Walked back to the living room, fetched the glass and went to the kitchen. Rinsed the glass and put it in the dishwasher. Went back to the living room, sat down and realized what I had done.

Scary Passenger
Scary Passenger

Loaded my kids into the car. Pushed the cart back. Ran to the car because it was freezing. Open the car door see a very scared looking woman sitting in the passenger seat. Appologize, close the car door, and run to my car.

Missed Cash Drop
Missed Cash Drop

About 2.5 years ago, I transferred from one store in my company to another closer to home. Since we run cash registers and can only keep just so much in the register at any given point, drops have to be done. In the first store, the drops were always put in a slot on the left of the registers, but in the 'new' store it is set up differently and there is only a trash can to my left. Still to this day I occasionally turn left to drop, usually end up throwing the envelope in the trash and have to retrieve it before my coworkers laugh at me.

All Mixed Up
All Mixed Up

Was trying to multitask in my tiny kitchen: Put the frozen pizza in the bin. Put the packaging in the washing machine. Put the liquitab in the pre heated oven. Realized what went wrong seconds later when the liquitab exploded/melted. I also fairly frequently grab hot metal out of the oven because I've taken off my oven gloves halfway through. How am I allowed to live alone.

Frappucino Fountain
Frappucino Fountain

My husband handed me one of those Bottled frappuccinos you can buy in gas stations and grocery stores. He had already opened it but my reaction upon grabbing one of those is to shake it, so I instantly threw it all over the car and myself.

Goodbye, Phone
Goodbye, Phone

Pretty late to the party but here's one: I used to smoke (quit recently) and I would sit and smoke at my window, overlooking a reasonably busy street. I would sometimes chuck the butt out the window (I know, I suck) but on this fateful day I threw my phone out of my three story-high window instead of the butt. I put the butt on a nearby table, and walked away. I took three steps, then turned slowly and then ran back to the window. My phone had fallen through the sunroof of a car waiting to turn out of my street. I knew this from the second I looked out my window because I saw a man covered in coffee, holding my phone and looking right at me. My phone had landed in his open cup of take-away coffee.

Shortest Jam Session Ever
Shortest Jam Session Ever

I take my bass guitar out of its sheathe, connect the amplifier to the wall socket, connect the bass to the amplifier, grab my music sheets to practice and start playing. After playing two notes I realize I forgot to tune the instrument, so I grab my tuner, tune the bass, unplug it, put it back into its sheathe, unplug my amplifier, store my music sheet and realize I had only played two damned out of tune notes and put the bass away!

Wait, I Graduated Already

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Wait, I Graduated Already

My route to college takes me past my old high school. Without fail, at least once a year, I'll turn into the parking lot at the high school, try to park in my space, and then realize I graduated in 2008.

Distracted Chef
Distracted Chef

I spent hours making chicken soup from scratch. A whole raw chicken, herbs, chunks of veggies, all simmering away to make the most perfect soup possible. When it was finally ready, I set a strainer in the sink, poured it in... and watched as my beautiful soup disappeared down the drain.

Anyone Have a Light?
Anyone Have a Light?

Whenever I take the bus I roll the tickets up into little tubes, habit I've had since I was a kid. On several occasions of auto pilot gone completely wrong, I have got off the bus, popped the rolled up ticket in my mouth, reached for a lighter, and set it on fire.

My ID Card Isn't Working
My ID Card Isn't Working

After a long day I grabbed my things and left my office. I got down to the metro and tried to scan my card a few times without anything happening. Then I looked down and saw that I was holding. . . a stapler. I had grabbed my stapler instead of my ID badge/metro card. I had to explain that to the security guy to let me back in to exchange my stapler for my badge.

Bad Boy
Bad Boy

One time I was in my college's cafeteria and this guy bumped into me. He profusely apologized even though all he did was nudge me. I felt bad for the guy, so I tried to say "No worries" but my brain also wanted to say "My bad"... ...so I ended up turning to him and very deliberately saying "No, bad."
I still laugh about it today, I can imagine he was pretty confused about it.

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